Archive - Jun 2010

June 30th

Still Staying Classy

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Memo to Al Krieger, Al Krieger, Rex Duncan, and, of course, Steve King: YOU ARE DUMB.

Man, time sure flies when you're having fun. It seems like it was just five days ago that I collected three stupid quotes, and them mocked them for your amusement. Yet here we are, a week later, and it's time once again for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I’m reluctant to compare myself to George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, but I did get some feedback, and I don’t think I said anything different than what they would have said." - Al Krieger, mayor of Yuma, AZ, defending his controversial comments.

Oh, well, that's OK then. I mean, even if what you said was wildly offensive, and even if, let's say, it were made even more offensive by the context in which you chose to say them, that's OK, because I'm sure two of the greatest heroes in American history, dudes we like so much we put them on a total of four pieces of our fucking MONEY, would have been right there with you. Never mind. Clearly, you don't belong in this column. Now, refresh my memory. What did you say again, where, when?

"I cannot believe that a bunch of lacy-drawered, limp-wristed people could do what those men have done in the past. - Al Krieger, commenting on gays in the military, at a Memorial Day service for fallen soldiers, at Desert Lawn Cemetery in Yuma.

Oh! I get it. It's not one of those "Washington and Lincoln would have said it because they were freedom-loving demigods of the American Dream" kind of thing. It's one of those "Washington and Lincoln would have said it because they were stuck in a 18th- and 19th- century mindset where black people were less than human, women were less than men, and horseshit covered the streets" kind of thing. The kind of mindset we can give Washington and Lincoln a pass on because they actually lived in the 18th- and 19th century. So what's your excuse, prickmeister?

"We want to save [our state] from an attack on its survival, its future... Oklahomans recognize that America was founded on Judeo-Christian principles, and we're unapologetically grateful that God has blessed America and blessed Oklahoma... It's not just a danger. It's a reality... This is a war for the survival of America." - Oklahoma state senator Rex Duncan, explaining on MSNBC why it's important that Oklahoma amend its state constitution to prevent liberal judges from imposing sharia law on America.

Boy, it sure is a good thing we have politicians like Rex Duncan who are willing to take the steps necessary to keep American law from being taken over by a religion. Well, OK. One religion. A religion that has about as much chance of imposing its strict religious code on American law as Rex Duncan has of counting to 21 without pulling down his pants first. Seriously. If you're that scared of sharia law and really want to ensure America's survival, there's an easy way to help it along, especially if you live in a gun-friendly state like Oklahoma. Just try not to miss your tiny, tiny brain when you pull the trigger - I'd hate to have you dependent on government-run health care for the rest of your life.

"It's just a common sense thing. Law enforcement needs to use common sense indicators. Those common sense indicators are all kinds of things, from what kind of clothes people wear - my suit in my case - what kind of shoes people wear, what kind of accident they have, um, the, the type of grooming they might have, there're, there're all kinds of indicators there and sometimes it's just a sixth sense and they can't put their finger on it. - America's Stupidest Congresscritter, Iowa's Steve King, explaining how you spot an illegal immigrant without racial profiling.

I love how you can actually extrapolate Steve King's mental picture of an illegal immigrant from this quote, and it's just about the most racist, classist thing ever. Illegal immigrants are all poorly-groomed people in bad shoes who don't own suits and cause a certain yet unspecified type of traffic accident. Genius! Let's round 'em all up! And if that doesn't work, you can just rely on your magical sixth sense instincts that have nothing to do with race at all.

I guess this would be the same sixth sense that Illinois authorities used when they almost deported Eduardo Caraballo to Mexico. For some reason, their sixth sense didn't twig to the fact that Caraballos wasn't from Mexico, he's from Puerto Rico. Which their sixth sense might not even have told them was part of the United States of America. Or maybe it was just that he wasn't wearing a suit, you know, like Steve King wears.