Archive - Jul 15, 2010

A Wild And Crazy Prophet

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Memo to Ed Martin: I WISH YOU WEREN'T DUMB.

I'll give the Tea Party credit for this - they've mastered sustainable agriculture. Last summer they planted the seeds. Every day since they've piled on the all-natural organic fertilizer. And in 2010, they're harvesting a bumper crop of home-grown nuts. An array of candidates, including Sharron Angle and Rand Paul, who are chock full of crazine, ribofailin, and Vitamin B-Ugfuck - all the nutrients the Scrotesucker movement needs to fuel a growing body politic with a full day's value of insanity.

Ed Martin is running for Congress in Missouri, and is one of the subspecies of wingnut that is firmly convinced that Obama is going to take his Precious away. But his Precious is not money, guns, or white privilege. His Precious is Jesus. The Ring of Rings, if you will. And Obama's trying to kill Jesus, as he more long-windedly put it on the Dr. Gina radio show. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They can worship, and they find their way to the Lord. And -- or some of them don't. We sure want them all to, but some of them don't. Part of that freedom -- when you take a government and you impose, and take away all your choices. One of the choices you take away is to find the Lord. And to find your savior. And that's one of the things that's most destructive about the growth of government. It's this taking away of that freedom. The freedom -- the ultimate freedom, to find your salvation, to get your salvation. And to find Christ, for me and you. And I think that's one of the things that we have to be very, very aware of. That the Obama Administration and Congressman Carnahan are doing to us."

Don't even try to follow the logic. There is none. He starts with the assumption that government is evil because it takes away choices. Which makes him an anarchist, even if he doesn't realize it. He then takes this to the extreme - that the bigger the government gets, the more choices it will take away, and since worshiping Jesus is a choice - a fact he seems a bit bummed out by, I might add - the government must be trying to take away Jesus.

This same delusion - I hesitate to even call it reasoning - could just as easily say that Obama is trying to keep you from eating strawberry ice cream, jacking off with your left hand, and adding a martial artist to your party in Dragon Quest IX. All of these are just as valid and just as important a choice as which savior you follow - well, except for the martial artist thing. They get a pretty effective double-attack early on that really helps dish out the damage. Did Jesus ever attack twice in one turn? No, he did not.

The point is that once again, we have the right fearmongering that the left is going to take their Jesus away, and once again, I wish to hell the government WOULD. Just for, say, 15 days. A span of three Sundays, none of which can be a holiday or Super Bowl Sunday just to make sure you've got everyone's fucking attention. It'll be like a mini-Prohibition. They'll spend three weeks hiding in secret underground pray-easies, and then, when it's lifted, they'll fucking well know what taking away their religion looks like.

But since that won't happen, Ed Martin is left in the position of defending his counter-factual, paranoid ramblings. And just like the cover-up is usually worse than the crime, the clarification is usually funnier than the original fuckup.

"The left went nuts, gleefully declaring that I said Carnahan wants to keep people out of heaven. Carnahan piled on, proclaiming I had stepped over the line. The topper was hearing my own voice on the Chris Mathews show. You know you made the big time when you get called down by Chris Mathews on MSNBC and are held up for ridicule to dozens of people nationwide." - Martin, in the obligatory public statement cum fundraising letter that goes out every time a moron gets some bad press.

Um, you did say Carnahan wants to keep people out of heaven. The reason you think you didn't say this is that, as I mentioned earlier, you think "logic" is Latin for "section of tree". What you said was that what Obama and your opponent Carnahan are (present tense) doing to us (present tense) is taking away (again, present tense) the ultimate freedom - the freedom to find salvation. And if you're a Christian, and Martin certainly is, then the only way to get into Heaven is to? Anyone? Martiin? Find salvation! Q.E.D., which is Latin for "I win, asshole."

Also, that's not the big time. Ever since Dan Quayle tried to knit a nation's scorn into a merit badge, idiots have been trying to claim that being mocked by smart people makes them important, famous, and right. Martin takes this ploy even further, claiming that being mocked by Chris Matthews makes them important, famous, and right. You know who else was held up for ridicule to dozens of people nationwide? William Hung. And you wish you had his career.

Oh, and by the way, "Matthews" spells his name with two T's. Here's a handy mnemonic. No, that's not Latin for "like a clownfish". It helps you remember things. Mr. PoTaTo Head. Two T's. Just like Chris Matthews.

But please, keep trying to pretend that I'm just another "limousine liberal" trying to "marginalize normal Americans" by making fun of you on the Internet. It helps you sleep while it helps me laugh, which makes it a win/win, which makes it two things you probably won't do in November.