You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Archive - Jul 29, 2010
Memo to Joan Heffington: OK, YOU WIN.
So I was going to close out with Rep. Sue Myrick's paranoid fantasies about a Venezuelan-Iranian cabal to close out my short series on the state of wingnut conspiracies, but I'm afraid Myrick got trumped. Oh, I may give you a taste of her crazy tomorrow, but the fact of the matter is that Joan Heffington is running for governor of Kansas, and is doing an excellent job of making Sam Brownback seem like the reasonable guy in the GOP primary.
In an interview with the Ric Anderson of the Topeka Courier-Journal, Heffington revealed three grand conspiracy theories, two bugfuck policy initiatives, and one just plain bugfuck personal fact. ACTUAL CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME!
"In February, she said, she learned operatives implanted microchips in a man who had refused to give the government a lucrative invention he had created. The microchips were transported through a window and into the man's body using a satellite, she said. 'The technology is so advanced that they can do it that way,' she said."
Ironically, the lucrative invention he had created? The technology to remotely open windows via satellite. Holy shit. I don't know what the requirements are to get on the ballot in the Kansas GOP gubernatorial primary, but I can tell you this - they're not stringent enough.
Also, kudos to Mr. Anderson for getting this interview, but where are the followup questions? First and foremost, what would these microchips do? They can't be trackers, because obviously the government already knew where this inventor was. They can't be a weapon payload, because if you can open a window with a satellite and chuck something through it with so-advanced technology, then you could chuck a grenade through it too.
The only thing that's left is mind control. But if it's mind control... how did Heffington learn about this inventor's plight? His mind was controlled! He wouldn't have been able to tell her. Now, this is some quality, tinfoil-hat insanity on display here, but it's missing something. Where's the secret government facility? And the thing we were all scared of a year ago?
"A 22-year-old man was unlawfully detained, tortured and infected with H1N1 by operatives after discovering that Guantanamo Bay detainees were secretly being flown to McConnell Air Force Base, Heffington said. She believes a pen was used to deliver the virus."
Gitmo, swine flu, and secret injector pens? Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. But again, no followup. Why where the Gitmo detainees being flown to the Air Force base? Were these the terrorist detainees or the cab driver caught up in rivalry / reward detainees? Was it a ballpoint, a Sharpie, or one of those pens with the crazy homeless person inside it, and when you tip the pen over, their tinfoil hat falls off? The public demands answers, dammit!
And since guano was apparently on a buy two, get one free sale at the Topeka Wal-Mart, there's also a foreign power imposing its foreign law on the American heartland. But it's not Muslims imposing Sharia law. She's not actually holding office or anything. No, it's those paragons of foreign intrigue, the French.
"The state of Kansas is operating under a dictatorial French law that the CIA helped establish here in the 1950s, Heffington said. 'They needed a state where unsuspecting people could be treated like guinea pigs so they could try out their covert activities,' she said."
I love this. Why would the CIA need the cover of a secret French law fro the 50's to conduct covert activities on the unsuspecting people of Kansas? I mean, they're already injecting people with swine flu Erasermates and hurling microchips through windows at people. If they get caught covertly activitiating in Kansas, what are they going to do, point to a 60 year old French dictatorial law that was until now a secret and say "It's legal! This is the law we were following!"
Given what the national intelligence agencies have gotten away with in the past decade just by denial and brazen "what are you going to do about it" bravado, why would they even bother?
Oh, and in case you were wondering - the two policy proposals were to never sign anything into law unless her own poling, by her own statisticians, showed that at least 2/3 of Kansans supported the law; AND veto any legislation that didn't pass a Biblical test. I don't know what a Biblical test is, but I like to think it's ten questions long, and the available check boxes are "Shalt" and "Shalt Not".
And the insane revelation? That her advocacy organization has three board members. Herself, a dude named Cortland Berry, and God. And that each member of her board is required to bring snacks to the board meetings when it's their turn, but God always forgets and hits the lobby vending machine at the last minute, so every three weeks, the snacks consist of Funyuns, Mrs. Fields' mini chocolate chip cookies, and gum.
I made that last sentence up, but by that point, I bet you harbored at least a smidge of doubt. Joan Heffington, who will probably not win the Kansas gubernatorial primary, and will probably not climb a tower and start sniping people with a high-powered rifle (that God is helping her aim, of course) the day after that primary.