Archive - Aug 2010

August 30th

Allen, Wrenched

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Memo to Allen West: YOU ARE DUMB.

Last Wednesday, when I did my ISTDT roundup of awful, awful 2010 candidates, one man was noticeably absent. That man is Allen West. Allen West is running for Congress in Florida. And like his home state, Allen West is doing his damndest to be thought of as America's Penis.

West is an ex-soldier and a full-on teabagger, with both balls firmly ensconced in the mouth of the fake George Washington the Tea Party has constructed out of wire and cloth, the one they love like it's their real monkey mother. And like all full-on teabaggers, West has identified a threat to America that the rest of us would find completely fucking innocuous. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"As I was driving up here today, I saw that bumper sticker that absolutely incenses me. It’s not the Obama bumper sticker. But it’s the bumper sticker that says, ‘Co-exist.’ And it has all the little religious symbols on it. And the reason why I get upset, and every time I see one of those bumper stickers, I look at the person inside that is driving. Because that person represents something that would give away our country. Would give away who we are, our rights and freedoms and liberties because they are afraid to stand up and confront that which is the antithesis, anathema of who we are. The liberties that we want to enjoy." - West, at a forum back in March.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the greatest threat to our existence is... co-existence. Or, to put it another way, America was great until all those other assholes decided they could share it with us. Clearly all the peaceniks, men, women, Buddhists, and Jews represented on the coexist sticker along with the Christian cross that signifies the end of all coexistence just drive West nuts.

Of course, when pressed, West would surely admit that his problem with coexistence is really coexisting with the C. If he could oexist with Jews and women and maybe a couple of hippies and Buddhists, that'd be OK. But it's that crescent used for the C that really bumps his sticker.

"We already have a 5th column that is already infiltrating into our colleges, into our universities, into our high schools, into our religious aspect, our cultural aspect, our financial, our political systems in this country. And that enemy represents something called Islam and Islam is a totalitarian theocratic political ideology, it is not a religion. It has not been a religion since 622 AD, and we need to have individuals that stand up and say that... George Bush got snookered into going into some mosque, taking his shoes off, and then saying that Islam was a religion of peace."

Now, to be fair, West did serve in Iraq. And people who've spent time amidst the wars in the Middle East frequently come home with rather extreme ideas about Muslims. Some of them get drunk and stab a cabbie, and some of them abuse Iraqi policemen ostensibly to extract information from them and then, after their slap on the wrist, run for Congress.

And now, West has started attracting negative attention for the things he says. As a card carrying member of the Party of Personal Responsibility, West understands exactly where the problem lies - with the people recording the things he says so that sane people can hear them and become upset.

"I know here today we have a representative from the Florida Democratic party and he is here to film me and his whole purpose of filming me is to take what I say and allow other people to distort it so they can misrepresent me. You know if we allow those Gestapo-type intimidation tactics to prevail in the United States of America what happens to our liberties, what happens to our freedoms?"

Dude? Let me tell you something. I'm really, really good at distorting people like you and maybe even misrepresenting them so that they sound as bad as I think they actually are. But I couldn't make your shit smell worse if I tried. I mean, you admitted to being ENRAGED BY COEXISTENCE. The only way I could possibly distort that so that it sounded worse is if you saw a car with that bumper sticker on it, and the car was being driven by a puppy, and the puppy was driving a bunch of sick baby bunnies to the hospital, and you stabbed your cabbie in the neck over and over again until he agreed to run that car off the road.

Oh, and then you fired a gun over the cabbie's head to intimidate him into telling the authorities what you want them to hear. Worked for you in Iraq, after all.

Allen West. Quite possibly the single worst candidate up for election in 2010.