Archive - Aug 24, 2010

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Memo to Dr. Laura, Frank Ryan, and Louie Gohmert: A QUICK FOLLOWUP TO YOUR DUMB.

Every once in a while, I like to check in on some stories I covered, because in today's fast-paced information age, sometimes you don't get to tell... the rest of the story. So here are a few quick followups to recent columns.

First, if you'll pardon the expression, Dr. Laura Schlessinger went out like a bitch. After only a few days of outrage over her racist rant about the usage of racial slurs, she's quit radio in the whiniest, victimy way possible - which is impressive given that she's a right-wing radio host to begin with. Or should I say, WAS a right-wing radio host.

"My contract is up for my radio show at the end of the year and I've made the decision not to do radio anymore. The reason is I want to regain my First Amendment rights. I want to be able to say what's on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I'm sort of done with that." - Schlessinger, showing how she's lost her First Amendment rights by being invited on the Larry King show to explain why she doesn't feel like being paid to do broadcast radio anymore.

Isn't that cute. Dr. Laura thinks she should be able to talk shit on the radio without anyone getting angry. I can see where she may have been lulled into thinking she could do that, since for the past couple of years, nobody gave a shit what she was saying. But we still reserved the option, and when the right situation came to light, we exercised it.

If you say something stupid in public, mean people like me will call you names. Suck it up. It is almost literally the only sanction stupid people get in American society anymore, and every time it happens, they whine and whine and then they whine some more about how the mean people are calling them racists every time they hate on interracial marriage. Don't feel too bad about Dr. Laura. Quitting your job when it gets too difficult so that you can get paid to spout stupid shit in front of stupid audiences who don't know any better is a proven path to success.

Back in April, I took a potshot or two at Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon, for taking all her money and carving her up like a Thanksgiving turkey with collagen stuffing, and performing procedures on her that she didn't - or possibly lacked the mental capacity to - understand.

Well, that bastard was Frank Ryan, and he's dead now. He was tweeting about his dog on his cellphone and drove off the side of the Pacific Coast Highway. That's not the joke. There is no joke, That's what actually happened. I don't need to make that funnier, because the only way it could have been funnier is if his car had managed to impale itself on a giant scalpel.

I mention this not to be unduly cruel to the late Dr. Ryan. But in the interests of being duly cruel, the fact is, it's been a rough couple of years for most people. Recession, unemployment, war, misery, Tea Parties, mosque arguments, racist radio hosts - it's been a non-stop parade of suck. And when you're in the middle of a shitstorm of this magnitude, it's hard not to think of the ridiculously self-absorbed death of one of the most egregious members of one of the most egregious professions in America as some kind of glorious umbrella made entirely of schadenfreude.

Most of you watched the premiere episode of Louie Gohmert's Terror Babies when it aired back in July. And you probably watched the followup, either when it aired on CNN, or when it reran on The Daily Show*, in which Anderson Cooper asked Gohmert what the fuck he was talking about and Gohmert went all apeshit and essentially told Anderson Cooper not to come crying to him in 20 years when he got his ass blowed up by a terror adult.

But I thought you'd enjoy hearing Gohmert's awesome excuse for why Cooper served him his balls on a platter - Gohmert sacrificed himself to save the life of his source. No, really.

"Cooper spent his time attacking my integrity in that interview because I would not give away the names of my sources. One of my sources said if anyone knew who she was that she would be killed. He did not need to know my sources and I was not going to put people's lives in danger."

Who would her life be in danger from? The terror babies? They only just got here. She could punt them like little terror footballs. Sure, for the next couple of years, she might have to carry Kevlar bibs around in case of terror spit-up, but even if the terror toddlers learn to make IEDs out of Lego, she's safe for another five years. Anyone can spot a Duplo IED.Making up fake people who will die when you get caught making up fake threats is a hell of a tactic, though, and I must admit one that I thought was slightly beyond Louie Gohmert's mental capacity. The staffer that thought it up should get a raise, and the intern who taught it to Louie phonetically should get hazard pay.

*Possibly the Colbert Report. I'm 80% sure it was Daily Show, though.