Archive - 2010

December 20th

The Impending Homodoom

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Memo to Louie Gohmert, Jon Kyl, John McCain, and of course the AFA: HA HA.I'll hand it to you. You put up a good fight. But why wouldn't you? It was very, very important to you. But in the end, it wasn't enough. Liberals are going to destroy America, FINALLY, and you couldn't stop us. The end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell will, as you know all too well, bring about the Homopocalypse. Your grandchildren will look at you, tears in their eyes, and ask you, "Grampy, where did all the unit cohesion go?" And you'll have to explain to them that it vanished, like the bluefin tuna, because you failed.

Today, in honor of the repeal of DADT, I present a special Monday edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, in which the defenders of America's heterosexual defenders of the freedom to be heterosexual expound on the coming Homopocalypse. We begin with Louis Gohmert, making one last-ditch effort to avert Armagayddon.

"To my friend who said that history would judge us poorly, I would submit if you would look thoroughly at history — and I’m not saying it’s cause and effect — but when militaries throughout history of the greatest nations in the world have adopted the policy that “fine for homosexuality to be overt” — you can keep it private and control your hormones fine, if you can’t, that’s fine too — they’re toward the end of their existence as a great nation." - Gohmert, on the House floor.

Gohmert, of course, IS saying it's cause and effect. It's just another variant on the common conservative trope that Greece and Rome were taken down by the gay. Then a few thousand years passed without any more examples presenting themselves, and NOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. Unfortunately, it's not that simple - it takes more than gays in the military to bring about the fall of the empire. Which is why the liberal agenda for 2011 is going to consist entirely of making togas fashionable again, then running around breaking pieces off of statues.

"This is not a constitutional right as was the issue of racial segregation. When it comes especially to the small units that do the fighting on the ground ... [the repeal] could disrupt unit cohesion ... and cost lives." - Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona, on one of the interchangeable Sunday morning pundit orgies.

Aren't the units on the ground that do the fighting supposed to cost lives? I seem to recall Bryan Fischer of the AFA, who we'll be getting to shortly, arguing that we should give them medals for costing lives. Of course, Kyll means American lives. And specifically means straight American lives, because as we all know, any disruption in unit cohesion, or what physicists call the Strong Straight Force, actually causes bullets to be attracted to straight soldiers. Not naked-in-the-shower attracted, more of a gravitational, magnetic style effect. Not a style effect like bleached hair.

"I hope that when we pass this legislation that we will understand that we are doing great damage. Today is a very sad day." - John "Crustypants" McCain, who is entirely correct, from a certain point of view.

I too hope that when we pass this legislation that we will understand that we are doing great damage to John McCain's reputation. The man has spent the last year transforming himself into The Guy Who Wants To Keep Gays Out Of The Military, and we've ruined that. What's he going to do now? He has no other issues to fall back on. He might as well retire now and get a job as Sarah Palin's sidekick. Today is a very sad day for John McCain's career.

"This isn’t a game, and the military should never be used, as is now being done, for massive social re-engineering. The new Marine motto: “The Few, the Proud, the Sexually Twisted.” Good luck selling that to strong young males who would otherwise love to defend their country. What virile young man wants to serve in a military like that?" - Everyone's favorite nutcase, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.

I would just like to point out, right now, how very, very badly Bryan Fischer clearly wants to have sex with a Marine. And when you factor in his various Arab-killing fetishes, it's clear that his ultimate sexual desire is to not only have sex with a Marine, but have both him and the Marine shoot Muslims in the face as they simultaneously climax. I cannot give him that. But I can give him a bonus quote, because he so vividly describes the Homopocalypse that we liberals have engineered, and that I'm sure will come to pass right after the gay marriages in Massachusetts destroy America first:

"Rarely can you point to a moment in time when a nation consigned itself to the scrap heap of history. Today, when the Senate normalized sexual perversion in the military, was that moment for the United States. If historians want a fixed marker pointing to the instant the United States sealed its own demise, they just found it."

I just hope it happens soon, because Bryan Fischer is up there in years, and I'd hate for him to go to his grave knowing his entire life has been nothing but a misguided, hateful mistake.