Archive - Feb 21, 2011

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Memo to Colin Powell: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU.

Right. A little ancient history for all of you to take your minds off of Wisconsin and Libya for a bit. Back in 2003, when You Are Dumb Dot Net was just a twinkle in my pants, Colin Powell went before the United Nations. He showed them mobile weapons labs. He showed them aluminum tubes. He showed them a vial of anthrax. One month later, the war had begun. Eight years later, the war's still not over, hundreds of thousands are dead, and all we have to show for it is the very occasional purple finger.

A vast percentage of the information he gave to the UN that day, the information that was used to silence critics and "prove" that Saddam Hussein was a threat to the world, came from one source. Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi, an Iraqi defector who left the country in 1995, but somehow managed to have knowledge of Iraq's weapons programs that was treated as current in 2002 and 2003.

The CIA gave him the codename "Curveball".

We've known since at least 2004 that Curveball was wrong. We've known since then that the information he provided was treated as much more credible than it actually was, to justify a war Dubya and Dick and Donnie wanted to wage as soon as they came into power. And now we know one more thing. That "Curveball" told them what they wanted to hear to get them to do what they wanted to do anyway.

"I had the chance to fabricate something to topple the regime. I and my sons are proud of that. I tell you something when I hear anybody not just in Iraq but in any war (is) killed, I am very sad. But give me another solution. Can you give me another solution?" - Curveball, to the Guardian.

Now, since Curveball is admitting to a willingness to tell a lie that would kill hundreds of thousands, I'm not going to take him at his fucking word that he only did it to free Iraq from the clutches of Saddam Hussein. He's living free and clear in Germany, and if you don't think the United States government compensated him well for his information, you're really not cynical enough. But this column isn't about Curveball. Curveball is not dumb. Evil, yes. A lying bastard, yes. But the secret to any good lie is knowing your audience, and boy, did he know his audience.

No, this column is about Colin Powell, who took Curveball's information and gave it more legitimacy than any other person in the Bush administration could. Powell's lies to the UN were the last nail in the coffin for any attempts to stop the war, as the last of the waffling Washington press lined up behind him and decried any crazy hippie who dared suggest that Colin Powell was peddling a line of purest bullshit.

And speaking of Colin Powell peddling a line of purest bullshit, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The question should be put to the CIA and the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency) as to why this wasn't known before the false information was put into (a key intelligence estimate) sent to Congress, the president's State of the Union address and my February 5 presentation to the U.N." - CNN's somewhat shoddy quoting of a statement provided by Powell.

Really? The great Colin Powell isn't going to accept any responsibility for lying to the United Nations? For fuck's sake, I bet they told you his name was CURVEBALL. You were the Secretary of State. You were a general. You were not some passive conduit of information, some face to slap a bunch of lies on like a corporate mascot. You said these things, these things were lies.

You should have known better. And you either didn't know better, and were woefully incompetent, or you did know better, and let yourself be Dubya's war mascot, in which case you're incompetent and complicit. Either way, you don't get to dodge responsibility with the simple dodge of "Hey, ask those fuckers who lied to me! Not MY fault!"

By the way, if you're waiting for Dubya, Dick, and Donnie's response to the revelation that Curveball was THROWING CURVEBALLS, I suggest you exhale, because they are, respectively, "no comment", not answering the phone, and not answering the phone. Because they know they only have to wait about 18 hours or so before everyone's talking about how those greedy freeloading public schoolteachers in Wisconsin are only conceding on wages, paying for health insurance, and paying for pensions, and not giving in on the total destruction of public sector unions in the state.

Meanwhile, we're still in Iraq.