Archive - Jun 1, 2011

OK, OK, You Get One Extra

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Memo to Scott Adams, David Barton, Allen West, and : YOU ARE DUMB.

Happy Wednesday! I have good news for my faithful readers. Monday and Tuesday were the last missed columns I can legitimately blame on the move. Your long national nightmare is over. From this point forward, you can safely go back to assuming that when a column doesn't appear at midnight like it should, it's because I'm a lazy bastard. To help make it up to you, I will increase the idiot component to 133% of a traditional IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It's fair to say you disagree with Adams. But you can't rule out the hypothesis that you're too dumb to understand what he's saying. And he's a certified genius." - plannedchaos, on Reddit.

If you're not aware that Scott Adams, creator and subsequent dry-milker of "Dilbert"*, was a rampaging psychotic jackhole, then I have been lax in my duties. I could have picked any number of Adams quotes to illustrate this, like the time he said "I understand why the top students in America study physics, chemistry, calculus and classic literature. But why do we make B students sit through these same classes? That's like trying to train your cat to do your taxes—a waste of time and money." in the Wall Street Journal. Or, even better, his "men's rights" argument, which posited "The reality is that women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently. It’s just easier this way for everyone. You don’t argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn’t eat candy for dinner. You don’t punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don’t argue when a women tells you she’s only making 80 cents to your dollar."

But I figured the above quote from a clearly delusional defender does the trick nicely, since it was revealed that said clearly delusional defender was, in fact... Scott Adams.

Important life lesson. When you point the first 3/4 of your tie at someone else, the other 1/4 points back at you.

"I guarantee you they are getting homosexual indoctrination. I don't care whether you're in a rural area or not, because this is so much a part of textbooks, so much a part of curricular stuff, so much a part of what goes on with other kids." - David Barton, the Christian revisionist historian who Mike Huckabee said we should all be forced to listen to at gunpoint.

Now, I'm not going to address Barton's first two points. As Tennessee lawmakers have shown, whackjob bigots like Barton see anything short of constant, fire-and-brimstone condemnation of sodomy to be pro-homosexual indoctrination. So in that sense, yes, it's in the textbooks, and yes, it's in the curricula.

But I don't care how popular Glee is, and I don't care how many tolerance programs people run. Children are ignorant, sociopathic little fucks who seize on any difference in order to ostracize and persecute their fellow seedlings. Generally speaking. Most of them grow out of it. The ones that don't get nods from Fox News contributors and presidential candidates. But I guarantee you there's very little homosexual indoctrination going on with the other kids. The game's not called "Smear The Breeder".

"We need you to come in and lock shields, and strengthen up the men who are going to the fight for you. To let these other women know on the other side — these planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness — to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient." - Everyone's favorite prisoner-abusing congressman, Allen West.

I have found the solution to the chauvinistic branch of conservatism, ladies and gentlemen. We simply need the technology to grow cloned, seven inch penises in vats. Preferably in a neutral earth tone, like terra cotta. Then, upon reaching puberty, we replace the child's natural penis with the new iPenis. I'm not saying Apple will develop the technology, I'm just suggesting that Apple's marketing, plus our already widespread acceptance of circumcision, can make this an accepted reality.

Girls will also get an iPenis, but they'll get the iPenis Nano, which is three inches shorter, and comes in a variety of fashionable colors. In both senses of the word. They won't actually NEED one, it's just to maximize the psychological impact on the men. See, if all the men have the same size penis, and they also know that every woman has a smaller penis than they do, then maybe the future potential Scott Adamses and Allen Wests will GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY.

"We have a high percentage of blacks in prison, and that's tragic. But are they in prison just because they are black or because they don't want to study as hard in school? I've taught school, and I saw a lot of people of color who didn't study hard because they said the government would take care of them." - Oklahoma state lawmaker Sally Kern.

What, she said "people of color", PC police! What else do you want her to do, stop insisting that they have a genetic or cultural predisposition toward laziness and welfare? I mean, she's taught school! In Oklahoma! And she must have taught school there for a very, very long time indeed to have seen a lot of people of color at all.

I admit that my iPenis proposal would not solve a problem like Sally Kern. I suppose we could put out a special, ten-inch model that only got erect when a pair of attached bootstraps were lifted... bootstraps it was incapable of lifting itself. But it'd have to be, like, Aryan pale. And we know how much trouble Apple had getting an iPhone 4 to come out that white. At least the Oklahoma legislature reprimanded her for using insufficiently vague terminology. It's a start.

*A cartoon that still makes fun of that long-ago time when white collar middle class workers still felt angst over their miserable cubefarm lives instead of the foreclosure crisis or the fact that everyone who used to work in cubicles now bags groceries at Whole Foods.