Archive - Jun 17, 2011

Topical Aphasia

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Memo to T-PAW, Timmeh, Big Hollywood, and the Mexican Hunters: YOU ARE DUMB.

Followups! Trivia! Tidbits! Chunklets! Nubbins! Time to sweep the detritus of the news cycle into the Friday morning dustpan that is SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

So T-PAW managed to cause Anthony Weiner to resign, and I really, really wish we lived in a world where that was the right decision. Where taking pictures of your wang and sending them to other consenting adults was the single most scandalous, immoral thing any lawmaker or executive had engaged in in recent years, and of course he would resign from the shame of it all and the lying.

But we don't live in that world. We live in the world of the Vitter Rule, where if what you're doing isn't worse than prostitutes and diapers, you get to keep your job. That the Democrats refuse to play by the Vitter Rule is simultaneously a noble attempt to hold themselves to a higher standard, and political stupidity of the highest order, because nobody ever scored points by holding themselves to a higher standard.

The story will never, ever be "look at those bold, ethical Democrats who forced one of their own out of office at the merest hint of online penile impropriety!" The media will focus like a camera phone lens on T-PAW, and the Republicans will criticize the Democrats for somehow not making the resignation happen sooner. And John Ensign and David Vitter will lead the charge.


Meanwhile, in the world of politicians I only pretend to feel a little sorry for, TIMMEH took some heat after this week's debate because on Sunday, he took a shot at Romney on health care, and on Monday, challenged to do it again, he pussed out and blamed Obama.

So if you're being seen as less than entirely manly for being unwilling to insult your opponent to his face, what's your next move? No, I mean what's your next move if you're a fucking idiot?

You go on Twitter and take your shot there. You give Romney a point for the debate, then give yourself a point for having a better state-level health reform. Of course, since you're making up an arbitrary point system, I don't know why you wouldn't make one up that gives you MORE POINTS than your opponent. I mean, you're already lying about the health care thing, might as well go all in with your 140 characters.

If this were the 1800s, it'd basically be like if Timmeh challenged Romney to a duel, was a no-show at the duel, then wrote an editorial in the Olde Timey Gazette about how his fancy moustache was twice as fancy as Romney's, so the duel is a draw. Looks like Timmeh could tweet the contents of his sack and still have 139 characters left over.


ACTUAL BIG HOLLYWOOD HEADLINE TIME!

"Trailer Talk: ‘Twilight’ Sequel Looks Like Teen Soap Opera"

In other breaking news from Big Hollywood, sky looks like blue with white fluffy things in it, Andrew Breitbart looks like a slightly effeminate Special Edition Jabba The Hutt, and old milk smells funny. I mean, you have to be really, really stupid to believe and say nearly everything that everyone on Big Hollywood believes and says, but not realizing until now that Twilight might be a teen soap opera? That's fucking inexcusable.


And speaking of headlines, how about this one, from HuffPo?

"TSA Behavior Detection Officers Accused Of Racial Profiling Called Themselves 'Mexican Hunters'"

You know, this is the Internet. You can make headlines as long as you want. And I think a few more words would really make this better. How about:

"TSA Behavior Detection Officers About To Be Convicted Of Racial Profiling Because They Fucking Well Called Themselves 'Mexican Hunters', I Mean, What More Do You Need?"