Archive - Jul 7, 2011

If You Want It

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Memo to Big Hollywood: FUCK OFF, WE'RE NOT SHARING OUR TOYS.

One of the things I love best about the wingnuts is how much they secretly long for the things we on the left have - things they claim to loathe beyond belief. And nowhere is this more true than at Big Hollywood, the one-time home for every washed-up second-fiddle actor who hates taxes. These days, of course, it's just John Nolte's personal blog with the occasional guest post from Greg Gutfeld and ads for Ben Shapiro's shitty-ass book.

Big Hollywood claims to hate Hollywood, and especially hate celebrities that speak out on politics. Until a celebrity speaks out on right-wing politics, in which case BH gloms onto them like a monkey on a wire mother. Jackie Mason says Obama's a bad president, and suddenly, Jesus is Big Hollywood's second-favorite Jew. David Mamet takes a hard right turn into Lower Wingnuttia? Then his new book is awesome and he can swear all he wants, even if he is a Baby Boomer (derisive spit).

But nothing compared to when one assistant in one documentary suggested that John Lennon said he would have voted for Reagan if he'd been American. Lennon, that is. I'm pretty sure Reagan was American, even though it's the biggest tools in the universe who are constantly trying to put him on our money and Mount Rushmore.

Imagine all the Breitbart people, masturbating furiously. You can say they're just wankers, but they're not the only ones. Someday the Freepers will join them, and the world will then... grunt out a shameful right-wing envygasm that coincides with the end of "Day In The Life". Here's John Nolte's victory spurt:

"Sounds at though John Lennon might have grown up before his untimely death."

Yeah, all that stuff before, where he was part of the most widely-celebrated musical group in the entire world, and talked about peace being better than war? A bunch of immature nonsense. Loving jelly beans and thinking that tax cuts for the rich raised revenues and helped poor people? Those are clearly the hallmarks of a true grownup.

The snark does a very poor job of concealing Nolte's desire to claim Lennon as his own, even though conservatives have been snide and derisive about "Imagine" since the day it was released. I mean, even if the assistant's story is true, all it points to is a combination of middle age and a dissatisfaction with politics in general, and Jimmy Carter in particular.

Nolte then digs up an American Conservative article that takes a few quotes from a 1979 Playboy interview to try to demonstrate that late-70's John Lennon was repudiating the entire hippie universe. One was about how he didn't feel guilty about making money anymore. One was about how sending food to poor countries didn't help them once the food was gone, one was about how he's not an atheist, although he doesn't belong to any religious sect, and one was how he didn't believe in evolution.

Well, I guess we'll start seeing Lennon's face on Tea Party signs any day now. Those first three things don't actually make him a conservative, of course. And that last one? Well, that's just fucking wrong, of course. But there's a big difference between an ex-hippie musician who spent a lot more time around spiritualism and sitars than around scientists and beakers saying he doesn't think he's a monkey, and a creationist crusader who thinks public schools should teach children that the earth is six thousand years old.

But none of those things matter. They want him. They want him and they shall have him. They want him because, well, they haven't fucking got one of their own, do they? I don't want a Toby Keith. If Toby Keith gave an interview tomorrow expressing a desire for a measured, reasoned, and 100% assboot-free foreign policy, I wouldn't be cheering that the Left had finally made inroads into the lucrative racist shitkicker market. Hell, I'm still wary of Arianna Huffington's conversion.

But they don't have a John Lennon. All they have is Ted Nugent, and the hard truth is that with the exception of Anthony Bourdain, they're the only ones who give a shit about Ted Nugent. John Lennon is a cultural touchstone. Ted Nugent is a cultural punchline. And they need more right-wing musicians, because, as Bachmann and "American Girl" reminded us recently, right-wing politicians have to steal all the "good" songs from left-wing rockers who yank the rights as soon as they hear about it. What, can't Michele walk out to the lilting strains of Wang Dang Sweet Poontang? I'm sure her husband listens to it loudly whenever he's out in public and people can notice him.