Archive - Aug 2011

August 19th

Perennially Unclear On The Concept

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Memo to John Nolte, Big Hollywood, and John Nolte: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Today, on a very special edition of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, we are going to explore the wildly entertaining phenomenon known as Wingnut Judofail. Wingnut Judofail is when a right-wing commentator tries to turn left-wing criticisms, complaints, or policy points back on the left that originated them, but because they don't actually understand how certain things work, they end up on their ass, on the mat, while Jimmy James instructs them, wisely, to "screw the small judo man".

It just so happens that all three of my examples are from Big Hollywood - two from John Nolte, and one from the generic author who is probably John Nolte, and possibly just a clever bit of software that assembles new blog posts from its extensive database of other John Nolte blog posts. Let's start with a Judofail on Obama's call to make private jet owners pay higher taxes.

"Sacrifice for thee… Decadence for me... As long as it’s not a private jet, correct?" - Nolte, ellipses his. It's apparently meant to be a dramatic pause.

Yes, Nolte has exposed left-wing hypocrisy - Mariah Carey, a (gasp!) Obama supporter, bought a $1,600 bottle of champagne from a club and had it brought to her in the ladies' bathroom. This clearly proves that lefties like, um, Mariah Carey, that liberal powerhouse, sometimes buy things with their money instead of giving it all to the government like they want to make private jet owners do, or something?

JUDOFAIL. Mariah Carey paid state sales tax on that bottle of champagne. She paid state and federal alcohol taxes on that bottle of champagne. She didn't have her accountant exploit loopholes to get her out of those taxes. In other words, while being rich and decadent and drunk in a bathroom, she still showed more willingness to pay her fair share than the private jet owners, who are in fact using loopholes to get out of paying the proper taxes when they buy fancy private jets. Loopholes that Republicans almost destroyed the economy to try to save.


Next up? The Racist Dogwhistle. As you know all too well, a "racist dogwhistle" is when a racist politician appeals to racist voters by making a racist statement that the racist voters will recognize as racist, but that the media won't be able to PROVE is racist. It happens all the time. Sure, sometimes a dipshit like Ed Schultz goes overboard and gives the term a bad name, but fuck Ed Schultz. I never liked him anyway.

So anyway, Big Hollywood caught Janeane Garofalo in what they called a "racist dogwhistle". In the spirit of Judofail, of course, it was neither racist, nor a dogwhistle. What she said was that Herman Cain is being asked to run for President to give Republican racists cover, or he has Stockholm Syndrome.

Neither of these are racist, and even if they were, neither of them would be dogwhistles. There's nothing secret or coded in wondering why blacks, gays, or other minorities traditionally hated on by Republicans would support, join with, or vote for Republicans. It's right out there in the open. Agree with it or not, the statement that there must be something wrong with a black dude that entrenched in the GOP is so blatant that even Big Hollywood understood it.

But again, not racist, because it's not the "black" in "black Republican" that raises eyebrows. It's the Republican. I don't hold to it with black Republicans to the extent that Garofalo does, mind. I think it's a lot easier to turn a blind eye to modern-day Republican racism in exchange for sweet, sweet tax cuts than it is for gays to turn a blind eye to right-wing homophobia. But the entire argument, either way, is based on social, political, and cultural fact. Republicans harbor and give succor to racists and white supremacists. You'd think this is something that would bother black Republicans. When it doesn't, wondering why is natural, and money's a really good answer.


And finally, Nolte again, this time playing the Imagine If game to an epic degree of Judofail. See, Eli Roth, who is a film director and a liberal, tweeted that he wanted a "Michelle Suckmyc*ckmann in 2012" bumper sticker. The one L and the asterisk appear to be Roth's. But the stupid that followed was all Nolte.

"Try a Tweet like this with Michelle Obama and see how many development meetings you score, how quiet the MSM is."

Yes, imagine if someone had tried a joke like this with Michelle Obama. First, you'd have to come up with a reason for Michelle Obama to have a 2012 presidential campaign bumper sticker of her own. Which is going to be difficult, because she's not running. Then you'd have to come up with a sex act that rhymes with at least one of the syllables in "Obama". And that is, quite frankly, something posters on right-wing blogs have been trying to do for at least three years now, so they can use it on Barack. I have never seen them succeed.

You can't actually try a tweet like that with Michelle Obama, because OBAMA DOESN'T RHYME WITH COCK. Or "dick". Or "balls". Or "taint". Or "nolte". Or any other filthy, disgusting thing that you can suck, or can clearly suck all on its own.

I'd go even farther to show the extent of Nolte's fail, but to do that, I'd have to find a Democratic politician, to dispute the charge of media bias, and ideally, a man, to dispute the charge of sexism, whose name rhymed with or, even better, was a synonym for, a male body part. And then he'd have to be in the public eye in a negative light, you know, like the Bachmann campaign does.

And then there would have to be hundreds, nay, thousands of examples of comedians, newsmen, and right-wing-bloggers taking advantage of that dude's penis-like name to take juvenile shots at him, the way Roth did with Bachmann. Man, it's such a damn shame there wasn't a perfect example like that. It'd be even better if it were recent enough, say, a few months ago, so that you could go back and watch all the times Big Hollywood did it and exulted in posting clips of their otherwise-mortal-enemy Jon Stewart doing it. Oh well, maybe next time.