Archive - Sep 6, 2011

Look On Him With Your Own Eyes

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Memo to Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, and Carrot Top: FUCK YOU.

But first, a quick bit about Labor Day. I didn't post a column because, well, it's a holiday, and my days of lording it over you all by writing a column for a day you're not going to be at your desk pretending to work and reading it are long past. But in honor of Labor Day, I'd like to issue the official YAD response to anyone who ever uses the canard that "half of Americans don't even pay any income taxes". Well, the official verbal response. We all know what the official non-verbal response is, whether they technically have nuts or not.

Anyway, the official response is "That's because 50% of Americans don't have shit for income. You wanna trade with them? Because they sure as hell would trade with you." Then issue the non-verbal response while they splutter.

OK, back to the main column, which is not, as you might think, a setup for three separate stories or three separate quotes. Yeah, that chill you just felt down your spine? Embrace that chill. It's trying to tell you something.

See, Dick Cheney went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to promote his book. You know why? Because no other non-Fox host would be sackless enough to agree to whatever conditions Cheney placed on the interview, that's why. But Leno? Leno traded his sack for a classic car two decades ago. So Cheney went on Tonight. And did a skit.

I KNOW. Dick Cheney, a man who not only committed war crimes, but wrote a book about how he committed them proudly, with no fear of prosecution. And he's on your show pimping his war crimes memoir, and you think "what mildly wacky situation can we put him in to get a few laughs from flyover country?" Because you're Jay Fucking Leno, and worrying about the rule of law is for those pot-smoking hippies on Comedy Central, that's why.

So they dressed him as Darth Vader.

Get it? People have called Cheney "Darth Vader" for years, because he's an evil fucker with machines keeping his cold heart beating. Well, Jay Leno seems to think that Dick Cheney thinks pod racing is wizard and saved his son from the Emperor while saying "Nooooo!" a lot, because he's decided to help rehabilitate Dick Cheney's image. I'm pretty sure "Jay Leno has decided to help rehabilitate Dick Cheney's image" is in the top five most bile-inducing sentences I've ever written.

Here's what the Huffington Post, for fuck's sake, had to say about the bit. "And ironically, this appearance on Leno's show -- appearing as one of the most famous villains of all time -- is letting us know that Cheney is aware of the jokes, and is willing to make fun of himself, too."

Um, on that first part. Dick Cheney presided over two of the great civil-liberties violations of the past century - warrantless wiretapping and the mainstream adoption of torture. I'm pretty sure that's how we know he was aware that people were calling him Darth Vader. He didn't even need his secret intelligence gathering networks. He could have just Googled it. Or, knowing Cheney, tortured someone until they agreed to Google it for him.

As for the second part, he's not making fun of himself. He's making fun of a quick, cheap caricature of himself from a position of near-ultimate power. Dick Cheney was DICK FUCKING CHENEY and then he got away with it, and his only regret was that a few people didn't go along with him when he wanted to bomb Syria and Iran while he was at it. Dick Cheney dressing up as Darth Vader on the Tonight Show is a giant middle finger to America, and Cheney didn't even have to make the effort to extend it himself. Leno did it for him. With his tongue.

But wait, I hear you asking. What the fuck does Carrot Top have to do with this? I'll tell you. He was another guest that night. He came on after Cheney. Which is about the pussiest booking you could manage, because even if they brought an animal trainer out, there's a 50/50 chance the animal would sense Cheney and go for his throat. No worries in that regard from Carrot Top.

And even Carrot Top did one torture joke. It wasn't funny, and he apologized for it constantly, and it went by so quickly there's a better than 80% chance most people thought it was a defibrillator joke and not a "hooking a car battery up to your nipples" joke, but he still fucking did one, because, well, Dick Cheney. And Cheney smiled and waved it off and now we all know that torture is funny, as long as you're willing to laugh at yourself about it.

So basically, two of the hackiest comedians working today - one safely ensconced in the the blandest time-slot in America, and the other making bank doing prop comedy for comped tourists on the Vegas strip, spent big chunks of the Tonight Show "humanizing" one of the masterminds behind the worst wars and the worst human rights abuses the United States has perpetrated in decades. And meanwhile, we can't even decide that Bush-era OZONE LEVELS are a bad idea.