Archive - 2012

January 2nd

Year Eight: Looking Ahead

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Memo to 2012: THIS OUGHTA BE FUN.

And so we begin Year Eight here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, which is, in some ways, pretty fucking astonishing, but in other ways, completely fucking understandable. I mean, I didn't get rich and famous off it; MSNBC offered Al Sharpton that hour and didn't even consider me*; and it only costs me a tiny, tiny fraction of my budget to keep the lights on. Why wouldn't I keep going? It's not as if the central problem I address has gotten any better.

The column's changed as I've changed, shifted as my perspective and outlook has shifted, and been tweaked as my work habits and free time have varied, but I've never changed the whole reason for doing it. I make fun of dumb people because they ruin things for the rest of us.

Case in point. If we got rid of all the dumb people, we could finally solve the problem of global warming, because the global carbon footprint would drop by 75% along with, well, the population. Dumb people tried to keep Sulu from getting married. Dumb people keep Kim Kardashian from letting me know that my Taco Bell order is ready. Dumb people think Geoffrey Zakarian should be an Iron Chef. **

So we're gonna make fun of dumb people some more. How's that going to work out? Well, it's a presidential election year. Terrifyingly, the THIRD presidential election since I started You Are Dumb. And my record is 1-1. I am not particularly encouraged about the tiebreaker.

I mean, on the upside, the Republican has narrowed their field down to Goofus, Goofus, Goofus, Libertarian Goofus, Serial Adulterer Goofus, and Gallant. And Gallant's a Mormon. Rick Santorum is rising in the polls. The not-Romney vote got to choose between Rick Santorum, who, in addition to being Rick Santorum, just promised to bomb Iran five minutes after he takes the Oath of Office; and Jon Huntsman, who once accepted a job offer from Obama. And they went with Captain Frothy.

On the other hand, Obama has abandoned being inspiring for spending three years positioning himself as the lesser of two evils. And it's tough to get young idealists to turn out in droves to vote for the lesser of two evils, because young idealists, by their very nature, have not been worn down into desperate cynicism by years and years of greater evil.

Plus, the Republicans are already going out of their way to keep the poor, minorities, and tthe non-rich elderly - all traditionally Democratic constituencies - away from the polls with the usual array of dirty tricks plus a slew of new Voter ID laws that the Obama administration is countering too late to make a real difference.

So who the fuck knows what's going to happen between now and November. I think we'll all be shocked if it's not Romney/Obama, but that's just going to lead to a lot of half-hearted voting from both sides - the left because it's tough to get excited about a triangulating centrist, and the right because it's tough to get excited about a cultist from Massachusetts.

The Senate's allegedly up for grabs this year. Ben Nelson's retirement could put Republicans in the majority, wresting control of the Senate away from the Republicans in the minority and, well, Ben Fucking Nelson.

We've had two years of the House of Representatives basically acting like a harried parent of a two-year-old in the checkout aisle of a grocery store. Boehner can tell the teabagger freshmen not to grab candy bars until he's orange in the face, but you know that before he swipes his card, either someone's getting a Snickers bar or getting whacked upside the head. It's not a pleasant dynamic, but its fate lies in the hands of the voting public, who hates Congress so much that every two years they vote 90% of it back into office.

Outside the world of politics? Well, once the election's over, I hope you're ready to enjoy a month of pointless reporting about the Mayan End Of The World thing, which is like the Y2K end of the world thing, only without Y2K's strong scientific basis.

In the entertainment world, 2012 will be the year everything gets re-released in 3D. Beauty And The Beast, Titanic, The Phantom Menace, Finding Nemo. The viewing public will finally get to vote with their dollars on what they'd like to see floating in front of their face. A singing teapot, a fish, Jar Jar Binks, or Kate Winslet's titties.

And on April 13, "The Three Stooges" will hit theaters. Scientists have been studying the trailer since it was released, and the only one that survived painted the words "EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT" on the padded walls of his cell with his own feces, so I think maybe the fake Mayans that didn't really predict the end of the world in December would have, if they had actually predicted such a thing, been off by like eight months.

But if we, as a species, somehow manage to survive both a Three Stooges movie and a Two Stooges election in the same calendar year, then I'll see you here to kick off Year Nine.

*Not that that was ever the goal. I'm just sayin'.

**Apparently, I'm still bitter about this.