Archive - Oct 16, 2013

Lonegan, Naturally

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Memo to Steve Lonegan and Richard Shaftan: SEEYA. WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA.

Sure, the economy might implode tomorrow, but that's tomorrow. Today is the special election for the Senate in New Jersey, And that means that this is really my last practical opportunity to make fun of Steve Lonegan and his awful, awful campaign. Because, barring a world gone mad, Steve Lonegan's political career will be coming to a rapid halt in about 24 hours. But lest we forget, he and his staff are IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It was just weird. I mean, to me, you know, hey, if he said, 'Hey, you got really hot breasts man, I'd love to suck on them.' Then like, yeah, cool. But like, he didn't say that. It was like kind of like, I don't know, it was like what a gay guy would say to a stripper. It's the way he was talking to her. It's just like like there was no sexual interest at all. I don't know. To me, if I was single and you know like some stripper was tweeting me, I might take advantage of the perks of the office, you know?" - Lonegan senior staffer and strategist, and I am not making this up, DICK SHAFTAN, criticizing Cory Booker's Twitter interaction with a stripper as being totally gaybones.

This is an actual thing said by an actual aide to a guy who wants to be one of a hundred Senators. That what a straight, single guy SHOULD be direct-messaging to strippers on Twitter is that they want to suck on the stripper's titties. That's ADVICE he's giving out.

Shaftan also thinks that one of the perks of being a Senator is sucking on stripper titties. I know they're running for senator from New Jersey, but that doesn't mean they actually have to act like The Situation. Most politicians have to deny ever saying "I'd love to suck on them". They don't use it as an attack on their opponent. Fucking douchebag.

"I shouldn’t mouth off like that. It’s not representative of Lonegan, it’s representative of Rick Shaftan." - DICK SHAFTAN.

Well, not exactly. Shaftan questioned Booker's sexuality, Lonegan's questioned Booker's sexuality. Shaftan's a sleazy little smegwipe, Lonegan's no better. I mean, Lonegan spent the last few days before the election trying to convince everyone that Cory Booker doesn't live in New Jersey. They're two penises in a pod, which, admittedly, sounds like something an idiot would think a gay guy would say to a stripper.

"When I win, Obama will fold. My victory in this election on Wednesday will send a message to Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi that the American people want an end to Obamacare and the rest of the President's radical agenda." - Steve Lonegan, with a last-minute epic delusion.

I mean, let's pretend Lonegan has a chance in hell of winning today. Even if he did, that wouldn't change any balance of any power. So, at best, Obama would have to see a Lonegan victory as such a shocking, unprecedented event that he'd rethink his entire political strategy. A Lonegan victory would have to be so outlandish and so unforeseen that the very fact of it would signify a tectonic shift in American politics.

Which, in a way, is actually true. But I don't think Lonegan wanted to admit that he's run such an awful campaign, and is such an awful person, that if he wins, it'll be because of the American political climate, not his ineffable charm and political savvy.

I suppose it's a comfort to him that, even if he can't be a Senator, he can still be an awful, awful human being.