Archive - Oct 4, 2013

Message Redacted

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Memo to the Republican Party: KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

The shutdown is hurting millions of people, but that doesn't mean it can't have an upside. Republicans have always prided themselves on message discipline. If the party leaders decided everyone should say the same stupid fucking thing, they all said the same stupid fucking thing.

The shutdown was less than two days old when the GOP's vaunted message discipline has disintegrated faster than the Hindenburg in a faulty transporter beam. And it's hilarious. Let's just run down the examples, starting with the most famous. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're not going to be disrespected, We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is." - Indiana congressman Marlin Stutzman, with the official sound bite of the shutdown.

The Internet has already commented plenty on this. It's self-explanatory. It's so boneheaded even Obama and Pelosi realized they should make fun of it, for fuck's sake. But it's clearly off-message, because it's true, and he had to come back the next day and say, no the Republicans totally know what they want, he was full of shit.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's good old Randy Neubauer of Texas, who showed how noble the House GOP was by yelling at a female park ranger when she wouldn't open the WWII veteran's memorial because Randy Neubauer didn't vote to keep it open. Pure, unmitigated class. And not conducive to the desperate attempt by the House GOP to portray themselves as the grownups here.

There's Oregon Republican Greg Walden, who runs the NRCC, who admitted publicly that the reason House Republicans are doing this is out of fear of being primaried by teabaggers in their teabagger-gerrymandered districts. Again, very true, and therefore wildly off message.

And what about North Carolina's Renee Edwards, who had the following brilliant explanation for why she should get paid while voting for 800,000 other people to not get paid: "I need my paycheck." Compassionate conservatism! Also fiscal responsibility - apparently the Edwards' can't live on a surgeon's salary alone.

But my favorite? This one's easy. The prize goes to Arkansas' Tim Griffin, who, within minutes of reports of shots fired at the Capitol, tried to flip the Gabrielle Giffords script and blame the shooting on President Obama's "violent rhetoric". What violent rhetoric? Well, there wasn't room to cite any. This was Twitter.

And of course, there wasn't time for him to wait and learn that the only people firing shots were the police, at a crazy woman in a car who tried to crash the White House barricades. So Griffin was lying, he was shameless, he was opportunistic, and he was dead fucking wrong.

On second thought, that means Griffin's the only one of these motherfuckers who's on message.