Archive - Oct 2013

October 22nd

The Return Of The King

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Memo to Tom McClintock, Steve King, and Michael Bloomberg: YOU ARE FINALLY DUMB.

Well, OK. You were always dumb. But weeks of governing-by-crisis and non-stop topical stupidity have left you out of the running for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS for far too long. Today, we rectify!

"Well first of all, for a criminal practice there has to be a gun. It’s pretty simple.” - California Republican Tom McClintock, explaining crime to a constituent.

The constituent asked McClintock his opinion on the "criminal behavior" of Wall Street, you see. Which has led to one of the most fascinating right-wing political pretzels I've ever seen. Because for white-collar crime to not be a crime (Republican position #1) crime has to require guns. But guns are good (Republican position #2) and are necessary to stop crime. Crime that can only take place if there's a gun.

It's a shame we don't hire insane Star Trek computers instead of Republicans to Congress. At least that way, when one ended up in McClintock's particular rhetorical situation, he would have exploded.

"If you had six kids and a third of your kids would say, ‘I’m not doing the chores, mom… If any of them say I refuse, I’m not gonna participate, I’m not gonna contribute to the American GDP, pretty soon those kids would be on the ‘you get to eat after you do the work,’ not just in hopes that you might one day do the work.” -Steve King, America's Second-Stupidest Congresscritter, on unemployment.

We're not going to address King's all-too-typical Republican poor-hating attitude that people who can't get jobs should starve to incentivize them to somehow create job openings out of thin air. No, we're going to address Steve King's parenting skills.

Because I'm pretty sure that King's saying a common parenting technique to get children to take out the garbage is to WITHHOLD FOOD FROM THEM. Which is insanity. When you hear about that happening, it's not a normal family. It's from some family where the kid's found chained in the basement. The parents go to jail, and the kid gets fed by sane people. Doesn't America deserve as much?

“I mean he’s making an appeal using his family to gain support. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone watching what he’s been doing.” - Soon-to-be former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg, explaining why he thinks soon-to-be mayor Bill DeBlasio ran a "racist" campaign.

Now, Stop and Frisk has already demonstrated, quite aptly, that Michael Bloomberg doesn't know what racism is. But we only knew that he couldn't recognize actual racist things as racist.

By claiming that featuring his black wife and his bi-racial, afro-ed son in his campaign makes Bill DeBlasio a racist, now we know that Bloomberg's confusion is bidirectional. Which makes me extra-happy about DeBlasio's 44 point - yes, that's forty-fucking-four-point, not a typo - lead in a recent poll. Racism's helped decide a lot of NYC mayoral elections, but this won't be one of them.