Archive - Nov 1, 2013

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Memo to Harry Reid, Big Hollywood, and Texas: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today's Spastic Topic Monkey Friday is super-duper-topical. It consists entirely of news I heard about Halloween afternoon and evening. Which means three column-worthy stupid things happened in less than eight hours. Devil Night indeed.

I could talk about the latest Republican filibusters holding back the latest Obama nominees even though they promised they'd stop three months ago the last time we threatened to take away their toys if they didn't share, but fuck that. Instead, here's a You Are Dumb history of me being right about the filibuster.

2005: The Democrats should have let Republicans pull the trigger.

2008: A vision of what would be.

2010: Mostly right, albeit overly optimistic on one point.

2010: Shoulda listened to me, assholes.

2013: A derisive offhand mention of things continuing.

Big Hollywood continues to amaze. Yesterday, they leapt to the defense of Free Birds because some reviews noted that the film apparently has some weird and ugly analogues between the animated turkeys and Native Americans.

Free Birds. You know, that movie where, whenever you see the trailer, you realize maybe Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 wasn't such a blatant cash grab? Free Birds. The movie that makes you think buying Planes, starring Dane Cook, on Blu-Ray for your child won't be so bad. Free Birds. A movie where, if they put the best parts in the trailer, they're going to have to put the rest of it in a Superfund site.

But Big Hollywood leapt to it's defense because liberals thought it was shitty to brown people, and THAT CAN NOT STAND. So if there's a Free Birds 2, I encourage them to switch their turkey metaphor from Native Americans to Ayn Rand fans. Free Birds 2: Atlas Gobbled.

And in Texas, the Texas goernment finds itself in the unenviable position of convincing not just teabaggers, but Texas Teabaggers, that the Alamo is not going to fall under the control of the United Nations.

Why would the United Nations want it? Who knows. What would they do with it? Who knows. How did they get this idea in their heads? That, we know.

See, UNESCO maintains a list of important historical and cultural sites around the world, and plans to add The Alamo to the list. UNESCO stands for five things Tea Party members either don't understand, hate, or both. United Nations, Educational, Scientific, Culture, and Organization. It's teabagger Kryptonite.

So some Texas asshole wrote what he is now calling just a "cautionary tale" about how this "might" "maybe" "someday" lead to UN black helicopters taking a thick, foreign-smelling shit on Davy Crockett's coonskin cap or some shit, and now Texas has to patiently explain to the monster it's been raising in its basement for the past decade that no, now is not the time to go rampaging through the center of town. I wish them the best of luck in a thankless, self-inflicted task.