Archive - Nov 21, 2013

That Darn Nazi!

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Memo to Craig Cobb: CUE YAKETY SAX.

With all due disrespect to Pat Buchanan and Bill O'Reilly, Craig Cobb has, just this year, become America's most prominent and renowned white supremacist. Largely by being very, very bad at it. Essentially, Cobb is the grand wizard of the Keystone Klux Klan.

Cobb rose to prominence earlier this year when he announced plans to take over the town of Leith, North Dakota, and turn it into a white supremacist Utopia. A Dick Dynasty, if you will. Basically, he bought up a bunch of land, which was fairly easy for a jobless neo-Nazi hick to manage because the middle of nowhere is where Leith, ND goes for the nightlife.

Anyway, despite the locals being concerned enough to make plans to stop Leith's takeover, it fizzled out through a series of hilarious stumbles, the most notable of which being that Cobb's house was cited by Leith's government for having no water or sewer hookups. I mean, yeah, the Nazis were horrible people, but most of them only shit in a hole in times of duress. It wasn't a way of life for them the way it apparently is with Cobb.

But the absolute peak of Cobb's public life had to be a couple of weeks ago, when genetic testing done for the daytime "Trisha Goddard" talk show discovered that Cobb was "14% sub-Saharan African", or, to put it in terms Cobb would understand, a smidge over an octaroon.

Cobb, whose knowledge of science would be stuck in the days of phlogiston and spontaneous generation if those concepts didn't have so many damn syllables, called the results "statistical noise", which, not coincidentally, was also what he put for his taxable income on his 2012 tax return. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I had no idea or I wouldn't have gone and done that and I still don't believe it."

It's a shame he's denying the results. The process of Cobb deciding which 14% of himself to lynch would make the best documentary ever. It'd be like "Strange Fruit", only, you know. A comedy.

Anyway, it looks like Cobb's reign of error may be at an end, He and an associate were arrested and charged with five counts of terrorizing the citizens of Leith by walking around on "armed patrols", which he announced in the traditional white supremacist way - a poorly worded text message:

"Because of the many violences and harassments against we and the children, we have commenced armed patrols of Leith.".

Spoken like a man who thinks living in his own filth is freedom.