Archive - Nov 8, 2013

Could You Remember, Remember Over There?

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Memo to Guy Fawkes and election spinners, and Cuccinelli: YOU ARE DUMB.

First, let me assure you, I'm finally going to tee up Rob Ford next week, AND I plan to address the awesome Rand Paul Plagiarism Saga as well. But first, I have some musings on the week's events delivered in the classic multipart format known far and wide as SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

This week included November 5, aka Guy Fawkes Day, the... celebration? Ish? Of a guy that tried and failed to blow up Parliament. Some people celebrate the failure, some people celebrate the event, and some people wonder why every city with a significant college-age population hosts a small, annoying "V For Vendetta" convention every goddamned fall.

If you don't follow me on Twitter, (and really, if you don't by now, it must be because you're worried about spoilers) then I need to lead into this by mentioning that Guy Fawkes Day led to my own reflections on revolution, which is that I'm for it, sort of.

I am, unlike most revolutionaries, brutally honest about my own revolutionary tendencies, which boil down to this. I think it'd probably be good for Group A to teach Group B a lesson by setting fire to a lot of their shit. However, when that happens, I would very much prefer to be a part of Group C, which is not only not setting fire to anything, but is in fact upwind of Group B.

Most revolutionaries are like this, which is why most of the time, there aren't any revolutions. Most revolutionaries don't admit this, which is why you'll frequently hear that a revolution is imminent. But it's not, which is a shame, but at the same time, it would probably fuck with my bus route, so, silver lining.

Ken Cuccinelli, better known to readers of this column as "The Cooch" or "That Raging Psycho In Virginia", lost his bid for governor by two or three points. Some polls had him down by double digits, and a lot of people have been wondering what it all means. Is it bad for Obamacare? Is it bad for the Tea Party?

I'll tell you who it's bad for. It's bad for Ken Cuccinelli. Because he wanted to be governor of Virginia, but more people voted for his opponent, Terry "Incredibly Uninspiring But Garden-Variety Shitheel Corporate Democrat" McAuliffe than for him. You know who it's good for? Virginia. And America. I mean, they get McAuliffe as a governor, so it's not awesome or revelatory, but it's still good. Especially for people who enjoy a nice bit of sodomy now and again.

Yes, it's weird that E.W. Jackson lost by eight points more in the lieutenant governor's race than Cuccinelli did in the governor's race. But Jackson was, if such a thing is possible, even crazier and even worse than The Cooch, plus, he was a black dude running for office in the South, so there were factors at play.

Beyond that, while it's very tempting these days to generalize about a race between a socially insane Tea Party darling and a centrist insider pseudo-Democrat with ties to big business, unless you desperately have to fill hours of cable news without actual content, just don't bother. Politics is weird and capricious and stupid and chaotic, and like the small print on an investment ad, past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Well, except for the New York mayoral race, which makes it fairly likely future politicians won't decide to run on a platform of letting kittens die for the sake of mass transit efficiency. Turns out that played even worse than you'd think.