Archive - Nov 2013

November 25th

Hilariously Predictable

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Memo to conservatives: THIS MUST BE A DIFFICULT TIME.

The best part about the diplomatic deal with Iran is not that it's a diplomatic deal with Iran, but the paralysis of choice it's inducing in America's conservative community.

Now, obviously, I support the deal for the obvious reasons. I'm a fan of diplomacy. Especially considering how well the alternative has worked out for us from the past. I'm also not a big fan of declaring entire countries as evil just because of the crazy shit some of their leaders say. For obvious reasons.

But I mainly enjoyed conservatives opposing it while clearly trying to figure out why they're opposing it. There are at least four distinct reasons for any given Republican to oppose diplomacy with Iran, all of them irrational, and while none of them particularly exclude the others, it's still a lot of stuff for conservatives to keep track of.

First, it's nominally a success for Obama. An incremental one, a small one, but a success nonetheless. And if Obama did it, it must be a bad thing, because everything Obama does is bad. We know because all the things he's done have been bad, because he did them, because they're bad. It's just reflexive. Pavlovian. Frequently racist.

Second, Iran is full of brown people and Muslims, and brown people and Muslims are murderous monsters who want to exterminate all good white Christian Americans for being unbelievers and impose Sharia law on their infidel corpses and CALIPHATE BENGHAZI 9/11.

And Obama made a deal with them, so we're all going to die.

Third, actual neoconservatives, the types of assholes that led us ten to twelve years ago, who declared Iran as part of the "Axis of Evil" and have been warning us for years that Iran has been weeks away from nuking, oh, Portland or something. These people have a shit-ton invested in Middle East war, both emotionally and just regular financial investment. Anything that moves the Iran nuclear program off the Wheel of Threats fucks their shit up. So they're grumpy.

And fourth, Israel. Remember above, with the Pavlovian reflex that anything Obama thinks is good must be bad? Well, anything Israel thinks is bad must be horrible. Of course, "Israel" doesn't mean the Israeli people, it means whatever current conservative Israeli government is in power, or, more commonly, whatever the modern right assumes a hard-right Israeli government would think.

So, having set all that up, allow me to present this reaction to the deal from Ted Cruz, so that you can try to figure out the relative percentages of these four things. Here's a hint - if you can figure it out, you're one up on Ted Cruz. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"All the smiling embraces between diplomats in Geneva after the interim deal was signed notwithstanding, the Iranian regime remains a brutal and oppressive dictatorship that pursues nuclear weapons for the purpose of dominating the Middle East and threatening America and its allies, notably Israel. President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry should reconsider their policy of rapprochement with Iran that is dismaying to Jerusalem and encouraging to Tehran. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu predicted this agreement would be a 'very, very bad deal' and has now correctly identified it as an 'historic mistake.' Meanwhile, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani tweeted his satisfaction, saying that 'breaking down the architecture for sanctions has begun. The administration has gotten it backwards and it is time to reverse course before any further damage is done." - Cruz, in an article in Foreign Policy, in case you were wondering how he strung so many words together without fucking it up.

It's all in there somewhere. And why wouldn't it be? There's plenty of room since all the rational thought got taken out.