Archive - May 2013

The End Of The End: A New Beginning

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Memo to Mississippi, Tennessee, and Michele Bachmann: YOU ARE THE LAST OF IT.

And we're done. With the exception of one choice Gohmert moment I'm saving for later, all the stuff I had saved in Google Reader has either been used, discarded, or is waiting for you here today. The Readergeddon is over. Let's explore the strange, dangerous, post-Reader wasteland together. But first... SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We've seen a new escalation in the politics of spite in the past couple of years. Red states have been passing laws of dubious constitutionality trying to stop other jurisdictions, up and down the chain, from passing or enforcing laws they disagree with. Texas tried to override Austin's plastic bag ban. Any number of places have tried to escape gun regulations both real and imagined. And now, Mississippi.

See, in that hotbed of evil, New York City, the mayor passed an admittedly iffy law restricting the maximum size of restaurant sodas. There have also been well-meaning but largely useless laws mandating the listing of calorie content on menus, and a fairly effective ban on trans fats.

Well, Mississippi's having none of it! The state recently passed an "anti-Bloomberg" bill that would prevent any individual Mississippi county from interfering in the amount or type of shit that Mississippi's fatty boombalatties want to shove into any hole or crevasse they can find. And this isn't just me being mean. Mississippi has the highest obesity rate in America. Their boombalattitude has been proven scientifically. And, thanks to this bill, will continue.

In other "states maintaining their status" news, Tennessee took another bold step recently to ensure that dumb Tennesseans would not only stay dumb, but also crank out more dumb Tennesseans. In this case, it was the University of Tennessee.

The good news is, the University's six-day sexual education event, "Sex Week", took place as planned in April. The bad news is, it had to do so without state funding, after the usual crew of vaginaphobes got their crotches tied in knots about subjects being presented from a non-missionary, non-male perspective. Our longtime friend, anti-gay crusader Stacey Campfield, explained the problem:

"This is not something that the parents sent their kids to school to learn, this is not even close, we have some serious issues going on at the University of Tennessee."

I'm sorry, but this is 2013. The only reason parents in 2013 don't expect their kids to learn about fucking in college is if they know they already learned about fucking in high school. Or, I guess, if they're from Tennessee. Maybe they can get the state funding restored next year by including sessions on cousin-wooing and redefining rape.

It wouldn't be a farewell without a farewell tour, would it? It's possible that Michele Bachmann's eventual exit from public "service" might move her into the Palin/Coulter/Limbaugh/Beck axis and thus out of the general purview of this column, but until then, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"That’s why we’re here because we’re saying let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people, let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can." - Bachmann, who should have been plagiarizing Jim Graves' 2012 campaign slogan.

The best part of this isn't the misuse of "literally", because she actually used it correctly to describe her insane belief that Obamacare is a mass murderer. No, the best part is her misuse of "while we can". Because not only has history proven to her time and time again that repealing Obamacare isn't going to happen, she knows it.

I mean, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary, I'm sure that Bachmann can either count, or has a staffer who can count for her. The votes aren't there, the votes have never been there. Also, as shitty as Obamacare is, it still cares more about people than the alternative. Not a ton more, but a little more.