Archive - Jun 2013

June 28th

Panoplenis

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Memo to Texas and the Inspector General's office: YOU ARE BASTARDLY.

It's been a hell of a week for the bread and butter of this column. I haven't even gotten into the Voting Rights Act decision, which makes the four votes against DOMA seem like solid jurisprudence.

I haven't even gotten to the whole Prop 8 ruling, which relied on a technical question of standing. A factual, basic, technical question of standing. And yet somehow, that factual question got decided precisely along ideological lines. That's a problem even when the split goes a way I like.

But I've got to talk about Texas, and abortion, and Wendy Davis, and shitheaddery. I freely admit I don't understand what drives people to try and make Texas less awful, or even just keep it as awful as it is. I respect the valiant nature of it, but it seems like effort that could be better spent on more likely things, like perpetual motion machines or a CGI Jim Varney we can use to make more Ernest movies.

Wendy Davis' epic 13-hour filibuster to keep Texas from enacting the same kind of clinic-killing regulations that have proven so effective at circumventing the Constitution in other states will be a short-lived victory. They've already called a second special session to try to get the law passed again. If it has any long-lasting effect, it will be yet another demonstration that, literally and figuratively, the GOP is the party of dicks.

The repeated attempts to shut her down by pretending she'd gone off topic. The attempt, after the fact, to blatantly cheat the clock. The GOP's ham-handed attempt to fight back against the trending "#IStandWIthWendy" hashtag on Twitter with "#SitDownWendy". And of course, this, from Prick Perry himself:

She was the daughter of a single woman, she was a teenage mother herself. She managed to eventually graduate from Harvard Law School and serve in the Texas senate. It is just unfortunate that she hasn’t learned from her own example that every life must be given a chance to realize its full potential and that every life matters." - Rick Perry, providing a negative example for making lives matter.

Keep in mind that Rick Perry is saying this while simultaneously trying to make sure that Davis' life doesn't actually matter. Just remember ladies, if your actual life experiences with unplanned pregnancy don't lead you to the same conclusions as a Jesus-swigging dickhead with a thousand-dollar hair helmet who can't fucking count to three? There's something wrong with you.

This epic series of tone poems to the worst aspects of the human penis are, hopefully, maintaining the image Republicans are so desperate to change, since they are unwilling to change either their policies or the warped thinking that leads to their policies. It's an image that's being rejected, on a regular basis, by just barely enough voters to ensure that we continue to be dysfunctionally ruled by corporate-owned "moderate Republicans", which is at least a more comfortable way to pass the time than a flat-out theocracy. So keep up the bad work, assholes.


And also, a sort of correction. Remember how the IRS got caught by an Inspector General's audit that showed they were targeting conservative political groups because of certain key words in their names? Well, it turns out there was a reason the IG audit reached that conclusion.

See, they only looked at the cases where the IRS targeted conservative groups. They didn't look at the cases where the IRS targeted liberal groups. Why didn't they? Because they weren't asked to, and apparently "Inspector General" means "literalist robot with less freedom of action than motherfucking Siri".

And who didn't ask them? Our old friend Darrell Issa, who stated, when he took charge of the House oversight committee, that he was gonna investigate the living shit out of Barack Obama, and is so startlingly good at his job that he can create scandals out of thin air, find a seemingly impartial stooge to bring them to the public, and because the phrase "Inspector General audit" sounds like something much more professional than it actually is, we all fell for it, to varying degrees.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're James O'Keefe and I'm CNN.