Archive - Jul 10, 2013

The Gohmert Doctrine: Day Three

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Memo to Louie Gohmert: I ACCEPT YOUR APPLICATION.

Right. I'll be going out of town for a bit, so I need to pre-load the column. And that means THEME WEEK! And that means it's finally time to consider Louie Gohmert's spirited application for America's Stupidest Congresscritter, a position held for years by Iowa's Steve King. But King's been keeping a relatively low profile of late, leaving the door open for someone to take over. But does Gohmert want it more?

This week, we'll examine Gohmert's recently stated positions on various issues, two per day, to see if Steve King has earned a demotion to Second Dumbest Congresscritter.

"From the amount of obesity in this country, by people we're told do not have enough to eat, it does seem like we can have a debate about this issue without allegations about wanting to slap down or starve children." - Louie Gohmert, on social welfare policy.

Remember, folks. Fat people can't be hungry. It's impossible. That's why all doctors recommend that obese people simply have food withheld from them until they reach a normal weight and begin to experience hunger and reduced energy levels, at which point they can resume eating.

I'm not sure what's more astonishing - Gohmert's claim that poor people can't starve because some of them are fat, or the fact that he's actually trying to escape the charge of being cruel to poor children by pointing out what tubby chubkins they all allegedly are.

But that's Louie Gohmert for you. It's not a cut to vital benefits, it's a helpful diet plan for America's roly-poly poor. Louie Gohmert thinks he knows best, yet all the available evidence to date shows that Gohmert neither thinks nor knows at all.

"Mankind has existed for a pretty long time without anyone ever having to give a sex-ed lesson to anybody. And now we feel like, oh gosh, people are too stupid to unless we force them to sit and listen to instructions. It’s just incredible.” - Louie Gohmert, on the relative historical importance of sex ed.

Louie Gohmert's parents fucked without government intervention and produced Louie Gohmert. How much bigger a case can be made for sex education?

Yes, people have been fucking since there have been people. And they've been doing it badly and stupidly and harmfully and making each other long-term miserable in dozens of ways for the sake of short-term pleasure. Partly out of malevolence and largely out of ignorance.

The whole point of sex ed isn't to teach people how to have sex, it's to teach people how to have sex somewhat less stupidly. It's to tell people about some of the common mistakes that can fuck up fucking so that they don't have to learn them through trial and error. Just because Louie Gohmert seems to be doing fine, careerwise, despite what appears to be untreated neurosyphilis doesn't mean everyone should have to.