Archive - Jul 11, 2013

The Gohmert Doctrine: Day Four

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Memo to Louie Gohmert: I ACCEPT YOUR APPLICATION.

Right. I'll be going out of town for a bit, so I need to pre-load the column. And that means THEME WEEK! And that means it's finally time to consider Louie Gohmert's spirited application for America's Stupidest Congresscritter, a position held for years by Iowa's Steve King. But King's been keeping a relatively low profile of late, leaving the door open for someone to take over. But does Gohmert want it more?

This week, we'll examine Gohmert's recently stated positions on various issues, two per day, to see if Steve King has earned a demotion to Second Dumbest Congresscritter.

"Gee, Sean, I don't know. Oh yeah, that's right -- I nominated Newt Gingrich in November and voted for Allen West in January. I would consider something like that." - Louie Gohmert, over whether immigration reform would affect his support for John Boehner as Speaker.

Now, I'm not going to get into Louie Gohmert's decision to abandon support for John Boehner should immigration reform pass the House. Like gay people fired by the Catholic Church, if you're going to willingly associate with hateful crazies, the career damage that results is, while admittedly unfortunate, also very predictable.

No, I'd like to point out that the last two people Louie Gohmert voted for as speaker of the House of Representatives weren't actually members of the House of Representatives. Allen West got kicked out after 50.01% of Floridians finally noticed how big an asshole he was, and Newt Gingrich hadn't held political office for nearly 13 years before Gohmert voted for him.

I mean, is it really too much to ask for the member of a club to know who's eligible to run the club? Looks like House Republicans don't give a shit if their members cast votes for completely ineligible Speakers on a regular basis. I guess that shit doesn't drive them nuts because they're already nuts.

"Who wants to go talking about sexual orientation when they’re working? Good grief.” - Louie Gohmert on the need for laws protecting gay people from workplace discrimination.

Louie Gohmert identifies as straight. You know how I know this? He talks about his sexual orientation while he's working. Well, "working". Well, OK, pretending he's Charlie Brown and voting for Snoopy as the next Speaker of the House. But you know what I mean.

I know Gohmert identifies as straight because I know he has a wife, and that he claims to have had sex with her, without instructions from the government, no less, on a minimum of three separate occasions. And I know this because I looked at his biography on his workplace website.

So, there are two possibilities. First, Louie Gohmert is a fucking hypocrite who thinks the only "sexual orientation" you shouldn't talk about at work is if you're gay, or Louie Gohmert doesn't actually talk about his sexual orientation at work. He just lies about it.