Archive - Jul 12, 2013

The Gohmert Doctrine: Finale

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Memo to Louie Gohmert: I ACCEPT YOUR APPLICATION.

Right. I'll be going out of town for a bit, so I need to pre-load the column. And that means THEME WEEK! And that means it's finally time to consider Louie Gohmert's spirited application for America's Stupidest Congresscritter, a position held for years by Iowa's Steve King. But King's been keeping a relatively low profile of late, leaving the door open for someone to take over. But does Gohmert want it more?

This week, we'll examine Gohmert's recently stated positions on various issues, two per day, to see if Steve King has earned a demotion to Second Dumbest Congresscritter.

"Maybe we won’t get the Latino vote initially, but once they examine who really cares … which party … wants you to learn English and be the president of the company and [not] relegated to digging a ditch the rest of your life … that’s us.” - Louie Gohmert on appealing to Latinos.

The sad part is, Louie Gohmert might actually believe this race-swapped version of the Republicans' typical defense against African-American racism, saying that Democrats are the real racists by wanting to keep black people dependent on welfare and not succeeding in businesses the way Republicans want.

But it's bullshit, and I know it's bullshit. Louie Gohmert might know it's bullshit, but as we've already established, he's very, very, very, very stupid. So he might not know it's bullshit. But I know it's bullshit because even assuming Republicans wanted every Latino to be the president of the company, which is a weird version of economics anyway, then why are they losing their shit about the white baby shortage?

Here's a hint. You can't, at the same time, wish for the thriving and the success and the leadership of a group of people and simultaneously wring your hands over the fact that there are so goddamned many of them. Because the "them" in question will notice that second part and be, shall we say, concerned that you don't actually have their best interests at heart.

"Yeah and then we know if it had not been for Sen. McCain and President Obama being for what we knew at the time included al-Qaeda in the rebel forces then we would still have a U.S. ambassador and three others alive today because Benghazi would not have happened. - Louie Gohmert, saying the crazy thing you know he had to have said about Benghazi.

Louie Gohmert thinks that John McCain is an al-Qaeda supporter.

I read this and have to conclude that Louie Gohmert thinks that international terrorism works like the G.I. Joe cartoon. That McCain and Obama, having seen members of the Libyan rebel groups wearing Cobra uniforms, simply had to decide not to support those rebel groups, and therefore the Cobra Troopers wouldn't have gotten orders from Al-Qaeda Commander to "do that Benghazi thing", and thus the Benghazi thing would never have happened and everyone would live forever and parachute out of their planes right before the planes explode.

So, what's the final verdict? It's a tough call, but America's Stupidest Congresscritter isn't some tenured position you can keep for six months without mentioning once how awesome dogfighting is.

So as of now, Louie Gohmert is America's Stupidest Congresscritter. I welcome Steve King's attempts to retake his crown. Well, not welcome them, exactly, unless it involves a game of Russian Roulette with King, Gohmert, and a Bushmaster assault rifle with an extended magazine. But the ball is clearly in King's court.