Archive - Jul 25, 2013

I A.M. H.A.M.

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Memo to Aware Heteros: MAYBE NEXT TIME TRY A HETERO SELF-AWARENESS MONTH.

Did you know that July was Hetero Awareness Month? You didn't? Well, you're in luck, because I've just declared July 25 to be Hetero Awareness Month Awareness Day, and I invite all of you, gay and straight, to read further about Hetero Awareness Month. Because, unlike Hetero Awareness Month, Hetero Awareness Month Awareness Day is very inclusive.

Hetero Awareness Month has been around for two years, which is odd, because actual hetero awareness has been around since, well, forever. It's main outlet is a Facebook page, but they also lucked out and "heterosexualawarenessmonth.com" hadn't been taken by a gay porn site. Although domain names do lapse, so keep a watchful eye out, gay porn sites!

Now, you might think, from nothing more than reading every single thing posted to the Facebook page, that Heterosexual Awareness Month is largely about being shitty towards gay people. But you'd be wrong! Shallow people, judging heterosexuals by the racism on their wall, and not the content of their "About" link. ACTUAL "ABOUT" LINK TIME!

"Heterosexual Awareness is about more than just being aware that we are straight. We are one of the only groups who no longer have a respected voice in this modern world."

I give them credit - they realize they do have a voice, just not a "respected" one. You see, respect for one's ideological viewpoint is a fundamental human right. Unlike being gay, which is a sinful lifestyle choice, people are born with their views against gay people, and no amount of "therapy" or "education" can change that. So the heterosexuals must have a respected voice in the modern world.

And really, what's not to respect? The post that claims gay people should take up smoking so that they won't put much less healthy cock in their mouths? Well, that's just sound medical advice! Nothing not to respect there!

Their current slogan, "Normal is not just a setting on your washing machine", hastily superimposed over what is clearly a stock photo of a washing machine someone had lying around? Why, that's just a clever bit of wordplay worthy of your respect and your willing suspension of disbelief when it comes to the definition of "wordplay".

The cartoon labeled "Homo Couples And Adoption" that helpfully demonstrates that two dudes can't explain what a "mother" is to their adopted child and also neglect their childrearing duties by constantly reading, something a woman would never do? Anyone who doesn't respect that clearly hates heteros, and another post helpfully explains that "It's hateful to hate Heteros". So cut that out. And as a commenter to that post helpfully elaborates, "Queers are stupid."

And who can't respect a good, healthy obsession with anal sex? A Heterosexuality For Dummies mock cover that advises "Don't Poke The Poo", a fake romance novel called "Dude My Butt Hurts", a roll of toilet paper protesting too much that it's the only thing going between a straight person's cheeks (so, I guess soap and water are excluded - good to know). A cartoon pile of poop calling a roll of toilet paper a "fag"? It's all part of Heterosexual Awareness Month!

IMPORTANT HETEROSEXUAL AWARENESS MONTH AWARENESS DAY SAFETY TIP: Do not try to comprehend the meaning behind that last cartoon. First, I left out that the toilet paper calls the poop "Tease". Second, that additional information makes it even more difficult to make any goddamned sense out of it. Just let it go. Trust me.

Another post co-opts a still from Forrest Gump, thereby sending the message that you have to be intellectually challenged, I mean, a lovable simpleton, I mean, a famous iconic Hollywood character to decide that man and women together is the only way to be.

Clearly, the only thing more important than Heterosexual Awareness Month is Heterosexual Awareness Month Awareness Day. Because if you're not aware of all this awareness, you might think the percentage of insane bigots in society was 0.5% lower than it actually is.

Let me end with this. Seriously, stop thinking about that cartoon. It'll just give you a headache. I know it's given me one. Why is the poop gay-bashing? Goddammit.