Archive - Jul 8, 2013

The Gohmert Doctrine: Day One

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Right. I'll be going out of town for a bit, so I need to pre-load the column. And that means THEME WEEK! And that means it's finally time to consider Louie Gohmert's spirited application for America's Stupidest Congresscritter, a position held for years by Iowa's Steve King. But King's been keeping a relatively low profile of late, leaving the door open for someone to take over. But does Gohmert want it more?

This week, we'll examine Gohmert's recently-stated positions on various issues, two per day, to see if Steve King has earned a demotion to Second Dumbest Congresscritter.

"It’s very clear to everybody but this administration that radical Islam is at war against us. And I’m hoping either this administration will wake up or a new one will come in at the next election before irreparable damage is done. Thank God for the moderates that don’t approve of what’s being done. But this administration has so many Muslim brotherhood members that have influence that they just are making wrong decisions for America." -- Louie Gohmert on foreign policy.

Now, over the years, mostly since 9/11, conservatives have offered a number of stupid, insulting theories about why liberals and Democrats don't share their paranoid fear of "radical Islam". In the case of Obama, it's usually vaguely couched reference to his super-sekrit Islamitude, but Gohmert seems to have built his own version.

He's taken a touch of Michele Bachmann's "Muslim infiltration" talk, mixed it with old-school Cheneyite "liberals just don't understand the threat", and created a weird pseudo-McCarthyite reality that we have to correct before it's too late.

Of course, the Brotherhood-infested, caliphate-friendly Obama Administration of Gohmert's wildest wet nightmares has been in place for nearly five years now. So why haven't the radical Islamist hordes taken advantage of our weakness and done some of that irreparable damage Gohmert's warning us of? Tick-tock, boys! Liz Cheney's starting to make noises about public office, and you know she's not going to give you a secret Muslim brotherhood handshake!

"Think about it, when your attorney general spent more of his legal career helping terrorists than defending the country, then you know we all have certain biases and lean certain ways." - Louie Gohmert, on the aftermath of the Boston bombings.

Wait, it took Louie Gohmert pretending that Eric Holder protects terrorists, and pretending that the Attorney General's job is "defending the country", to realize we all have certain biases and lean certain ways?

Of course everyone has certain biases. And of course everyone leans certain ways. So what the fuck was Gohmert saying? Here's what I think. There's a certain technique in public speaking that involves character assassination with enough plausible deniability that, if you're called on it later, you can weasel out of the charge you were blatantly implying.

I think Gohmert was trying to do that, but because he's got the brain of a marmot with lead poisoning, he just thought the word "certain" would do all his sly implying for him and didn't bother contemplating the rest of his sentence, the first half of which I'm certain he cribbed from a World Net Daily comments thread anyway.

In other words, he failed to stick the landing. And a certain judge only gives him a 3.5.