Archive - Jul 9, 2013

The Gohmert Doctrine: Day Two

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Memo to Louie Gohmert: I ACCEPT YOUR APPLICATION.

Right. I'll be going out of town for a bit, so I need to pre-load the column. And that means THEME WEEK! And that means it's finally time to consider Louie Gohmert's spirited application for America's Stupidest Congresscritter, a position held for years by Iowa's Steve King. But King's been keeping a relatively low profile of late, leaving the door open for someone to take over. But does Gohmert want it more?

This week, we'll examine Gohmert's recently stated positions on various issues, two per day, to see if Steve King has earned a demotion to Second Dumbest Congresscritter.

"Ms. Zink, having my great sympathy and empathy both. I still come back wondering, shouldn’t we wait, like that couple did, and see if the child can survive before we decide to rip him apart? So. These are ethical issues, they’re moral issues, they’re difficult issues, and the parents should certainly be consulted. But it just seems like, it’s a more educated decision if the child is in front of you to make those decisions." - Louie Gohmert, on whether or not to terminate a pregnancy when the fetus has no brain function.

If the weight of evidence, all other things considered, leads to a virtual dead heat between Gohmert and King, this reprehensible, patronizing pile of excrement in a bad compassion costume will clearly give the edge to Gohmert.

See, Gohmert is supporting one of those thrice-damned "fetal pain" bills that would outlaw abortions after 20 weeks. Or, I guess, 15 weeks if you catch the fetus masturbating. Anyway, in a predictably futile attempt to explain to Louie Gohmert, using logic, why the 20-week cutoff is a bad idea, Christy Zink explained how she had to terminate her pregnancy at 21 weeks, because that's when doctors learned it was brain-dead.

To which Gohmert, proponent of life, patiently explained to the dumb girl that she and her family and the fetus should have suffered for months so that they could make a "more educated" decision on whether her child was still brain-dead.

In Gohmert's defense, brain death hasn't stopped him from a long and inexplicably successful career as a United States Representative, but Louie Gohmert is no basis for public policy, even though he somehow gets to guide public policy.

"If he had just up and appointed a Republican replacement as he is authorized to do, do you think the bromance would continue? Do you think the president would come let him win little toys for him and stuffed animals down at the fair? I mean, good grief, you're asking too much. It's just too much to not want to have that kind of bromance continue." - Louie Gohmert, on how Chris Christie might have handled the death of Frank Lautenberg.

Louie Gohmert thinks any Republican that supports Obama for any reason must be having sex with him.

Also, Louie Gohmert tries to disguise his homophobic baiting by using the term "bromance", which I'm sure his interns told him doesn't actually have much of a homoerotic subtext. But then, being an old guy and a shithead, fucks the whole thing up by equating a "bromance" to a Boardwalk amusement park date from the 1950s.

And of course, what Gohmert calls a "bromance" was in fact just a rare instance of a public servant doing his fucking job and taking care of his citizens in the wake of a natural disaster. Gohmert's never actually done his fucking job in his entire career, so of course he mistakes it for gay sex with the President, because that's the kind of guy he is.