Archive - 2013

January 2nd

Year Ten Begins: Stuff Keeps Coming Out

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Memo to Ari Fleischer, Kim Kardashian, and Menard's: YOU ARE DUMB.

But first, a bit of business. It's been over two years since I've done this, and only, I think the third or fourth time in nine full years of Yor Are Dumb Dot Net that I've done this, but as 2013 starts, I should probably pay for 2012's hosting. Or, you know. Someone should.

So today we kick off the 2012-2013 Herman Cain Memorial Hosting Drive. First goal is $200, which will pay off all of 2012 plus maybe a bit extra because I may have paid some of it at the beginning of the year. Second goal is $400, which will cover me for 2013. And for every $20 above $400, I'll do a special Saturday edition of Idiots Say the Damndest Things. There are at least 50 Saturdays in the year, so there's no fucking way I'll have to come up with ideas beyond that. There aren't that many of you. I've named the drive after Herman Cain because he's never going to get anything else named after him, and also because I think it's funny.

As always, let me insist you don't send me money you need more than I do, and I don't need it that bad. If this doesn't work, the hosting bill will still get paid. But if you have a little extra you want to throw my way in recompense for the three to four hours I spend a week kicking these nuggets of cynicism out your way, PayPal to blambert@youaredumb.net is the way to go. Updates, as you may have noticed, will go in the header.

And now that that's out of the way, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I increased donations to charity in 2012. This deal limits my deductions so I, & many others, will likely donate less in 2013." - Former Dubya consigliere Ari Fleischer, proving that libertarians are shitheads.

Libertarians like Penn Jillette say that the government doesn't need to help the poor because rich people like him will, out of the kindness of their hearts. Ignoring the fact that there are logistical problems galore, not to mention problems of scale, with that approach, there's also the fact that actual generous rich people are really, really thin on the ground.

Take Ari Fleischer, who publicly admitted on Twitter that the only reason he gives to charity is to lower his tax liability. Oh, sure, after everyone noticed how awful this was, he changed his tone to say that the fiscal cliff deal meant that people in general would have less money in general to give to charity in general, it's patently obvious from the actual text of his tweet what he meant.

And what he meant is that he will fucking well let you starve if he doesn't get something out of it. Say what you like about food stamps, but at least they're not predicated on base extortion.

"Even my sister has made it look easy, but it's not as easy as people think. It's a little painful ... But I heard it's all worth it, so I'm looking forward to that." - Kim Kardashian, who is now apparently a fucking expert on pregnancy on account of being pregnant.

Everything about those sentences make the world a dumber place. Do people think pregnancy is easy? I mean certain aspects of it are easy. Certain aspects of it are too easy, so much so I'm shocked it hasn't happened to her before now. But yes, it's not without difficulties, and yes, it's "a little painful", and wait, she's "heard it's all worth it?" Has she had to rely on hearsay to know that a baby comes out at the end and that the baby is generally worth the discomfort? I mean, it's a Kardashian baby, so it'll only be worth it to the parents, not society as a whole, but that's true of most babies.

"Our country is now in the middle of an experiment based on a broken economic premise: Government can drive demand and stimulate growth.” - One of many right-wing talking points espoused in an at-home "civics" class offered to employees by Menards.

For fuck's sake, I can't shop anywhere, can I?

I mean, I'm still hoping I don't hear anything political from my current cheap pizza delivery joint of choice, since Papa John is an asshole, Domino's is still awful even if they're no longer directly investing in alternate uses for coat hangers, and fuck Pizza Hut. But now I'm getting big-boxed out in the home improvement sector.

There's Home Depot, with its zombie hordes of orange-aproned former craftsmen forced to work retail. Lowe's, who openly bragged about hating Muslims, and now Menard's is trying to teach its employees that "civics" and "right-wing politics" are interchangeable.

It's getting to the point where it's impossible for "screw" to just be a box full of nouns anymore.