Archive - 2013

December 22nd

Ducking Consequences

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Memo to the Duck Defenders: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, REALLY.

The Duck Dynasty Christmas Miracle continues! First, in case you missed it, Saturday was the last bonus column of the year, which means the last bonus column unless I foolishly decide to do extra writing for donations again. And I used it to discuss the role society and A&E plays in this whole mess.

But today we get to the fun part. The way the right decided to leap to the defense of Duck Commander, because of the impression, mistaken or otherwise, that Phil Robertson's fight was their fight, and Phil Robertson's views were their views. Now, it's important to remember what Phil Robertson's views actually are, so over the weekend, I also created this handy reminder that you can refer to, and also refer other people to around the Internet as necessary. Think of it as my Christmas present to a grateful world.

So who stands with Duck Commander against the insidious homosexuals, welfare blacks, and Shintos? Well, right out of the gate was Fox News' Todd Starnes on Twitter:

"It was only a matter of time before intolerant, anti-Christian haters targeted Duck Dynasty."

Yes, that's what happened. We intolerant, anti-Christian haters were just waiting for a chance to take a shot at Duck Dynasty, so as soon as Duck Commander professed his non-judgmental Christian faith, we fucking pounced on that shit. Who else would think railing against Shintos was crazy?

Sarah Palin chimed in, because her family is one clever invention and a couple of beards away from being Duck Dynasty themselves. But she showed some important progress that I want to give her credit for.

"Free speech is an endangered species. Those 'intolerants' hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us."

No, it's not her usual misunderstanding of free speech, which is only threatened when a crazy wingnut suffers any financial consequence for saying stupid shit. And it's not her use of "all of us", which I guess means everyone who thinks sexual orientation is a choice made by orifice preference.

No, I'm talking about the use of quote marks around the word "intolerants". Sarah Palin makes up a lot of words, but this is the first documented evidence of her being aware that one of her fake words is, in fact, fake. Kudos to the intern who typed this for her.

Do we have a politician who can perhaps throw his lot in with the anti-Shinto crowd? Why yes, we do. Ladies and gentlemen, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, one of about half a dozen next great Republican hopes after McCain and Mitt shit the bed.

"But I also acknowledge that this is a free country and everyone is entitled to express their views. In fact, I remember when TV networks believed in the First Amendment. It is a messed up situation when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh, and Phil Robertson gets suspended."

Again, living in a free country doesn't mean you and your millionaire hillbilly friends get to be on TV. And the First Amendment guarantees that Phil Robertson won't go to jail for not being a shithead. But that's garden-variety bullshit. Miley Cyrus got "a laugh"? Miley Cyrus danced badly on an awards show, hurting nobody but herself (cultural appropriation issues aside), and was the center of media debate for WEEKS. Downplaying that to make your pet bearded martyr pigfucker look extra-persecuted is revisionist history worthy of, well, Duck Commander.

And we haven't even gotten near the best one yet. You'll find that one in your stocking tomorrow morning.