Archive - 2013

December 20th

Neither Artistic Nor Entertaining

« December 2013 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
7
8
10
14
15
17
19
21
22
25
26
28
29

Memo to A&E: YOU HAD TO KNOW THIS WAS COMING.

For the final bonus column of 2013, I'm going to break with tradition and not do a bonus IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, because, well, there's a YAD Christmas Miracle in the form of the Duck Dynasty thing, and as much as I'd love to cover the hilarious right-wing defense of Phil "Duck Commander" Robertson, I have to address A&E, and America's, role in all this.

You see, every once in a while, America shows up with a colorful redneck, informs its parents' that they followed America home, and asks to keep it. And America being America's own parents, America accedes, and we adopt a redneck. And we invariably grow to regret it.

We adopted Larry The Cable Guy, and now there are a pair of movies forever staining our budget DVD racks. Oh, and Prilosec commercials. We adopted Paula Deen, and then were shocked, SHOCKED by her nostalgia for plantation days. I don't know if we adopted Ted Nugent exactly, but we keep feeding him whenever he wanders through our backyard, and we all know how that keeps working out, don't we?

And we adopted the Duck Dynasty people in a big way. And by "we", I mean "you", because fuck that noise. I was in a bookstore and was shocked to learn there were THREE actual Duck Dynasty books, and I didn't know whether to be happy that America was reading things, or sad that they might as well not have bothered.

And A&E sold us our pet rednecks. Comedian Andy Daly tweeted this, but we were all thinking it - there's no way there aren't hours and hours of this shit on footage that never aired. Our pet redneck has been shitting on the carpet, but A&E's managed to clean it up before we got home, and so we got fooled into thinking he was harmless and housebroken.

Which brings us to A&E's suspension. There are two possibilities here. The suspension is a PR move, making it look like A&E is shocked at the things Duck Commander believes, and disapproves of them. Or, more likely, A&E told Duck Commander in no uncertain terms to keep that shit under his filthy backwoods hat in public, and by going off to GQ, Duck Commander violated a specific term of his employment, and was suspended as a result.

The second and probable scenario isn't any more flattering to A&E, by the way. The first makes them incompetent, the second makes them complicit. Maybe someday we'll learn to not be fascinated by rural freakshows and charismatic bigots, but I'm not holding my breath.