Archive - 2013

December 17th

Dreaming Of An Even Whiter Christmas

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Memo to Megyn Kelly, Megyn Kelly, and Bill O'Reilly: YOU ARE DUMB.

It was often said of George W. Bush, as it is of many other economically-advantaged individuals, that he was "born on third, and thought he hit a triple". What's interesting is that when it comes to cultural success, instead of economic success, these people are the exact opposite. They arrive at third, having proceeded through first and second bases, and declare that third base is how it has always been, and thus how it should always be.

This premise is at the heart of the Great White Santa Pontifigurd of Latter-Day 2013, and it is one of the methods IDIOTS employ to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that's a verifiable fact. - Megyn Kelly, assuring her long-term infamy.

Now, it's rare to hear a Fox News host bandy about the term "verifiable fact". It's a concept they are neither comfortable nor familiar with. So it's awesome to see it being used in the context of Jesus, whose EXISTENCE doesn't even rise to the level of verifiable fact*, much less his ethnicity, his divinity, or his Earthly manservant, Santa Claus.

Anyway, the point isn't what can be historically verified and what can't. What matters is that certain cultural stuff got developed by white dudes, and any suggestion that those things could develop further, by non-whites, is an assault on core culture values that have always been in place. You know, like traditional marriage.

"Humor is part of what we try to bring to the show. Sometimes that's lost on the humorless.” - Kelly, again, trying to explain her comments.

This is my favoritest dodge of all the dodges that ever dodged. When you see this dodge, you know the person making it has their fucking back right up against the fucking wall, with no legs to stand on, their head up their ass, and a few other anatomical irregularities leading to this desperation move.

Because what they're saying is that the entire world of professional and amateur comedy that's been making fun of them for the past week somehow DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. Which is not actually a thing that happens. Not to this degree.

"One, because any talk of skin color brings out the zealots, and two, because any controversy attached to the Fox News Channel will be seized upon by the media." - Bill O'Reilly, explaining why people yelled at Megyn Kelly.

Bill O'Reilly was accidentally right twice here. Any talk of race does bring out the zealots. The reason zealot Megyn Kelly was talking about this was that someone, in this case Aisha Harris on Slate, talked about skin color as it relates to Santa. O'Reilly doesn't realize who the zealots are, but lest we forget, he was shocked that black people used forks, so we have a pretty good idea of where he's coming from on race relations.

And yes, controversies attached to the Fox News Channel will be seized upon by the media. This is not the media's fault. If Fox News doesn't want to create controversies spread far and wide (and they totally do, because that's marketing and ratings, but they have to make it sound like a bad thing), then maybe they should hire people who don't say and do spectacularly, entertainingly stupid shit in front of cameras that capture their image and send it to muted bar and restaurant TVs all across America. That'd be a start.

*I know it's commonly accepted as one, but let's face it, what we're looking at is a situation where the less recognizably "Jesus" the personage is, the more likely they are to have existed.