Archive - Jan 10, 2014

What Is Best In Life

Memo to Oklahoma, Shia LaBeouf, and Steven Seagal: YOU ARE DUMB.

Look. I know you can't do this for as long as I have and not have it affect you in some way. And part of that is that I take great pleasure in certain things that a more empathetic, less desensitized person might find horrifying, or at least a sign that society is in trouble. But at this point, a lot of the horrible things human beings do to each other, or just are, rolls off a thick layer of callus formed by taking an interest in the awfulness of humanity. Which is the sort of vague theme that ties together today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

It's only ten days into 2014, and we may have a frontrunner for my single greatest source of joy this year in headline form. Here it is, in all its pristine glory:

"Oklahoma man charged with 'atomic wedgie' murder of stepfather."

As long as you can ignore the part of that that's a tragedy, every single part of that headline is awesome. You don't even need to know the details, although, if you look at the picture of the guy, he is exactly who you'd think would murder his stepdad with an atomic wedgie. The dude looks like the love child of Brock Lesnar and a Bullet Bill. And of course it was his stepdad. And of course it was Oklahoma. Oklahoma, America's world leader in global warming denial and underwear-based murder. Go Sooners!

Similarly, the awfulness that is Shia LaBeouf brings me so much joy that I'm going to talk about it here even though that means repeatedly having to get the 80% of the full-time vowels in this asshole's name in the right order. And youi may think there's no "I" in "LaBeouf", but if so, you haven't been paying attention to him since the Clowes story broke.

See, he put out a short film recently, and as soon as people saw it, some of them realized it was a complete fucking ripoff of a Daniel Clowes comic. LaBeouf didn't credit Clowes or pay Clowes. So he apologized on Twitter, and then people found out that his apology was somehow, word for word, strikingly similar to a Yahoo Answer about plagiarism. And then he skywrote an apology, gave long rambling interviews about art and commerce and copyright, plagiarized a bunch of other apology tweets, and acted like a huge, huge dick for weeks.

And sure, it's awful, and sure, Clowes has had to fuck around with lawyers and nobody wants to do that, but if none of this had happened, we would have missed out on the guy who made his nut on three movies that exist SOLELY to service 30-year-old toy copyrights try to lecture us on the freedom of the artist and the corporatization of creativity. And that is fucking hilarious.

Steven Seagal got in the news for a day by saying he wanted to run for governor of Arizona to secure the border.

Steven Seagal. The pudgy Buddhist action star who pals around with sheriffs. Not some competent Steven Seagal who might conceivably run for political office in some other state that picks its governors based on competence, but the actual "famous" Steven Seagal, actually contemplating running for governor of actual Arizona, and people taking him seriously as if that were a thing that could happen and writing news stories about it.

And it couldn't happen. Except there's a tiny part of all our brains that knows that it almost could. I mean, some of us voted for Jesse Ventura. And hiding behind the tiny part of our heads that knows it could almost happen is a smaller part that desperately, desperately wants it to happen. Because if you ignore what that would do to Arizona and all the people that would live there, every part of that is awesome.