Archive - Jan 24, 2014

Warms My Heart

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Memo to Mike Huckabee and Dinesh D'Souza: THANK YOU.

Most of you don't live in Minneapolis, but it's possible many of you have also been grated down to a raw, red nub by this winter. Here in hell, we've been experiencing forty degree temperature swings on a regular basis, which is not good for the psyche. Which is why I'd like to thank Dinesh D'Souza and Mike Huckabee for ending my week on a high note in a longer-form bipartite edition of SLIGHTLY SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Mike Huckabee attempted to show that it's not Republicans who hate women, it's Democrats who hate women! Unfortunately, his attempt at rhetorical jiu jitsu turned into an epically revealing pratfall. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of government then so be it! Let us take that discussion all across America because women are far more than the Democrats have played them to be."

Yes, let's have that discussion all over America. Tell women that after fifty years of being able to enjoy sex for pleasure without popping out a baby every nine months like some goddamned Duggar, they should be strong like Republicans want them to be and "control their libido" if they don't want them to get pregnant.

Now, it's true that everyone controls their libido. They control their libidos for good reasons like not jerking off in the office cubicle or fucking someone dangerous or whatever. But women shouldn't have to "control their libidos" as a method of birth control. Women should be able to enjoy their libidos. Mike Huckabee doesn't like that because Mike Huckabee is a fucking retrograde asshole Christian misogynist.

But rolling back the sexual revolution is not going to be popular as a basis for public policy. So by all means, let's have that debate, Mike. See how well that shit plays.

Dinesh D'Souza got buuuuuuuuuuuuuusted!

D'Souza, who's basically built a nice little career about being a browner, maler, dumber Ann Coulter, has been indicted for federal campaign finance fraud. On a related note, upon learning of this news, I broke my own personal schadenboner record by a solid three inches.

Allegedly, D'Souza rounded up a bunch of people, got them to donate to the unsuccessful 2012 Senate campaign of Wendy Long, then reimbursed them for the contributions, essentially creating a personal individual donation of around 20 grand. Oops.

There are three great things about this. First, and foremost, it's happening to Dinesh D'Souza. Ruining Dinesh D'Souza's day, month, year, whatever, is in and of itself a public good.

Second, it was a half-assed failure. D'Souza essentially wasted twenty grand trying to unseat Kristin Gillibrand, who beat Wendy Long 72% to 27%. D'Souza would have been better off betting on the Washington Generals, which, even if it's illegal, probably carries a lesser penalty than campaign finance fraud.

And third, D'Souza's lawyer's initial statement appears to admit that he did it, but he did it out of personal conviction and friendship, not out of some corrupt deal. ACTUAL DEFENSE TIME!

"[A]t worst, this was an act of misguided friendship by D'Souza. It is important to note that the Indictment does not allege a corrupt relationship between Mr. D'Souza and the candidate. There was never a corrupt agreement of any kind." - Benjamin Brafman, in a written statement.

That's not a defense. That's the mitigating circumstances you present at sentencing. That is also my undying and palpable glee.