Archive - Jan 8, 2014

So Many Delusions, So Little Time

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Memo to Russ Douthat, Bryan Fischer, and Jeb Bush: YOU ARE DUMB.

New Years Day 2014 wasn't a wall, or a cliff, or a raging river. It was just another day. And if people who said stupid shit in 2013 think they're off my hook just because I didn't get to them before January 1, well, then, I'd be very surprised that they know who the fuck I am. I'm surprised when they know anything, because they're IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Like the Bush administration in Iraq, the White House seems to have invaded the health insurance marketplace with woefully inadequate postinvasion planning, and let the occupation turn into a disaster of hack work and incompetence." - Inexplicable New York Times columnist Russ Douthat, still covering for his buddy Dubya.

What, it's not enough that Obamacare is Obama's Katrina, now it's his Iraq War too? I realize it's vitally important to turn those proper-noun Bush failures into generic, partyless euphemisms for failure. But this endless drive to make Dubya the Kleenex of politics makes for some sloppy and unfortunate analogies for people who aren't that good with them to begin with, like Douthat.

Because the main reason the Iraq war turned into a long, bloody failure of an occupation were the forces, within and without, who opposed the change and fought against it. Which makes Russ Douthat and his fellows Al Qaeda In Iraq in this analogy, and the insurance industry competing warlords. So not only did Russ, the conservative the NYT keeps locked in the attic, make a tasteless analogy, he made one that makes himself a terrorist. Or possibly a Code Pink member, but none of us need to picture him like that.

"The military is being conditioned to use weapons on the American Family Association. The American military, the soldiers are being conditioned in their brains to think of evangelicals, tea partiers, the American Family Association and the Family Research Council as domestic enemies that may have to be neutralized by lethal force because that's what the military exists for. The military exists to kill people and to break things to preserve national security. That's why they exist. That's their job." - because it wouldn't be right to let this Bryan Fischer paranoid fantasy go to waste.

You know how I know Bryan Fischer and I are polar opposites? And that, since I am a paragon of virtue, that makes him the worst person on the planet? Because his worst nightmares are my wet dreams. Fischer's got his panties in a bunch because the AFA was listed as a domestic hate group in military training, on account of them being a domestic hate group.

That doesn't mean, however, that the Army's going to shoot them. And that's a shame. Because it is true what Fischer says - the Army's job is to kill people and break stuff, and if people are gonna get killed and stuff's gonna get broken anyway, well, I'm just saying there are worse targets.

"Why would our President close our Embassy to the Vatican? Hopefully, it is not retribution for Catholic organizations opposing Obamacare." - Jeb Bush, abusing Twitter.

Good news, asshole! It's not! It's closing because it's moving. Apparently it was your brother's idea. Well, not your brother's idea. Your brother didn't have ideas. But it was the idea of one of his underlings. Oh, and the reason? In part? Increased embassy security.

Now we know, from the aftermath of BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI, that if Republicans are concerned with anything, they're concerned with embassy security. So if Republicans are going to turn an upgrade in Vatican embassy security into the latest e-mailed viral martyrdom effort, then, via logic, we can conclude that Republicans aren't concerned with anything. Which we knew already.