Archive - Feb 2014

February 27th

Warming The Cockles

« February 2014 »

Memo to Paula Deen, cow shtuppers, and Michael Pristoop: YOU ARE DUMB.

As we head into what's looking to be a sub-zero March in Minneapolis (yes, March), I find myself needing to finish the week with stories that, if you'll pardon the expression, touch me in my joy place. Or at least as much of a joy place as I have when it comes to the dipshits of the world. So it's the stupid that makes me smile on SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

And no dipshit makes me smile more than Paula Deen, because she just can't help it. She's not hateful, she's just pig-ignorant and either unwilling or incapable of figuring out why people are so dang upset. She figured that after last year's mess, all she had to do was lay low for a while, then stage a glorious comeback. All her fans would flock to her, all her "enemies" would have moved on and ignored her. And it almost worked. Still might, in the general consciousness, but it didn't work here, because she said this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out.” - Deen, in a leaked excerpt from her imminent People magazine comeback interview.

If that doesn't make you smile, you're on the wrong goddamned website. First, Michael Sam is only a little bit "embattled", and not in any way "disgraced". But most importantly, WHY IS THE WORD "BLACK" IN THAT SENTENCE, PAULA?! It's not like butter. You can't just add it to anything that doesn't need it and claim it makes it better. You don't need to distinguish Sam from the dozens of white football players who recently came out. It's there because Paula Deen is, shall we say, unreconstructed. A hundred million in venture capital can't buy class.


Now, this isn't New York City. Or even the Hamptons. This is Herkimer County, smack dab in the middle of the goddamned state. Where, apparently, there isn't a lot to do except a hot beef injection with actual beef.

Newer readers to the site may not know this, but tales of rural bestiality were a staple of You Are Dumb's earlier years, and the only reason it's not as prevalent these days is that for whatever reason, tales of busted zoophiles aren't dropping into my news feed like they used to. But this tale of bovine boffing is just what I needed.

In this instance, there were two suspects, one fucker and one filmer, and I am somewhat ashamed to say that my initial assumptions based on the mug shots were completely wrong. The fucker I thought was the filmer looks like an aging frat boy just off his evening shift at the Foot Locker, and the filmer looks like a guy who sticks his dick in livestock. Put him in a tuxedo, seat him next to the French president at a state dinner, and you'd still think "that dude sticks his dick in livestock". And you would be wrong. He only films it.

And finally, let's all have a slow golf clap for Annapolis police chief Michael Pristoop, who has a name funny enough that I kind of wish he'd fucked an animal, instead of just screwing the pooch. But he screwed the pooch spectacularly.

While testifying against marijuana decriminalization in Maryland, Pristoop cited the deaths of 37 people from Colorado on the first day of legal recreational marijuana there, a shocking statistic that is no less shocking when you realize it didn't actually happen, but was in fact from a satirical website making fun of the hysteria of anti-pot types like, well, David Pristoop.

Even better, Pristoop later tried to explain away his epic faceplant by apologizing for spreading an "urban myth", stretching the definition of that term far past the breaking point. I mean, it's not an "urban myth" that chickens cross roads in order to get to the other side. It's not true, either. They cross the street to score some KILLER WEED, DUDE.