Archive - Mar 19, 2014

Plane Speaking

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Memo to Don Lemon, Courtney Love, and Mike Huckabee: YOU ARE DUMB.

I really did want to do an all-missing-plane edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS today. I'm sure there's a third thing out there, but since Bryan Fischer didn't blame the missing plane on gay marriage and Keith Ablow didn't blame it on Obama's feelings of abandonment, I had to give the third spot to Mike Huckabee, who's really been killing it lately, if by "it" you mean the brain cells of his listeners.

"Especially today, on a day when we deal with the supernatural, we go to church, the supernatural power of God. You deal with all of that. People are saying to me, why aren't you talking about the possibility -- and I'm just putting it out there -- that something odd happened to this plane, something beyond our understanding?" - CNN anchor Don Lemon, putting it out there.

Something did happen to the plane, something currently beyond our understanding. That's why it's missing and nobody knows what happened. The reason nobody's talking about the possibility that the SUPERNATURAL POWER OF GOD, or something similar, may have been responsible is because that's what idiots and crazy people do. I mean, Lemon skipped right past the aliens from Millennium and the Langoliers and went straight to, I guess, leprechaun hijackers?

Because the day he's talking about the day when we deal with the supernatural and go to church? St. Patrick's Day. I had to tell you that because you certainly couldn't have figured it out from his description, which matches nobody's actual experience with St. Patrick's Day for decades.

“I'm no expert but up close this does look like a plane and an oil slick. And its like a mile away Pulau Perak, where they 'last' tracked it 5°39'08.5"N 98°50'38.0"E but what do I know?" - Courtney Love, on Facebook.

I know I'm old. I've just left my second significant demographic group. And maybe that means I'm not as open to new ideas as I used to be. But it seems to me that if a plane vanishes over the middle of the ocean, and you want to figure out where it is, not only do you not check Facebook, you very specifically do not check the Facebook page of Courtney Fucking Love. There are probably more qualified people looking for the plane.

I mean, when even you are just barely self-aware enough to admit you're not an expert, and ask what you know, maybe you could just take that one extra step and not post a picture of the ocean with MS-Painted red arrows and a scrawled "plane?" on it. Still, Courtney Love showed more restraint than a national cable news anchor, which is not a sentence you'd expect to read, much less write.

"I've twice run against women opponents, and it's a very different kind of approach. For those of us who have some chivalry left, there's a level of respect.... You treat some things as a special treasure; you treat other things as common." A male opponent is "common," a woman requires "a sense of pedestal." Mike Huckabee, helping.

Here's something I have to remind you of, because I know I have a hard time remembering it myself. Mike Huckabee's only 58 years old. Nearly all of his formative years were during or after the sexual revolution. So he doesn't even come by this "special treasure" or "pedestal" retrograde bullshit honestly. He's cultivated it. He does it on purpose.

Not that I want to discourage Huckabee. If he and his fellow Republicans think that the best way to appeal to women is to close abortion clinics while calling them special treasures who have to control their libidos while up on a pedestal, please, keep up the good work. All the time you spend after 2014 and 2016 trying to figure out why women still aren't voting for you will help keep you harmlessly occupied.