Archive - Apr 11, 2014

Not My Allies

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Memo to Jim Moran and Joe Manchin: YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

So we'll get to the meat of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, as alluded to in the opening sentence, the theme of which is sucky Democrats, in just a second. But there's no not talking about Colbert.

Because Colbert taking over for David Letterman next year is as textbook definition of "mixed feelings" as you can get without writing a textbook that inexplicably defines "mixed feelings" as if that were a thing students needed to learn.

I'm happy for Colbert, because career-wise, this is huge. But The Colbert Report is way, way, way more important than The Late Show, and losing the former to keep the latter going is a net minus for the culture. And it's the third recent changing of the guard in late night from an older white dude to a younger white dude. But Colbert's a hugely talented slightly younger white dude.

Of course, personally, I'm much more interested in what replaces the Colbert Report, because the odds of me actually watching the Colbert Late Show on a regular basis are slim to none. If I were running the network, I'd be giving W. Kamau Bell another shot at the format, but I know just enough about the entertainment industry to suspect that's not in the cards.

So, anyway, Joe Moran. Virginia congressman. Democrat. Retiring at the end of this year. And he's a man with a bold message. He deserves a raise, and so do all his colleagues. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I think the American people should know the members of Congress are underpaid. I understand that it’s widely felt they underperform, but the fact is that this is the board of directors for the largest economic entity in the world.”

Three things. First, most companies don't have 532 people on the board of directors. Second, just because business pays a bunch of rich white dudes too much money for fucking things up doesn't mean we have to follow their lead, and third, even if what you were saying were true, which it isn't, it's tone-deaf as fuck, so shut the hell up. You're not helping us pretend there's a difference between the two parties.

Speaking of unhelpful Democrats, Jim Manchin, Democrat heel-dragger extraordinaire. Recently, Joe Manchin decided too many Democrats were demonizing the Koch brothers for their marginally successful attempts to manipulate American politics by throwing billions of their own dollars around like confetti at the end of Wrestlemania 30.

Manchin went on Fox and Friends (so fuck him) to say that we shouldn't beat up on the Kochs (so fuck him) because they're Americans (true, but doesn't confer immunity to criticism), pay their taxes (technically true, but not as much as they should), create jobs (so do Mafia bosses), and aren't breaking the law.

And really, isn't that what modern progressivism is about? Approving of any practice that is technically legal under current statutes regardless of its effect on society? Koch-suckers like Manchin are the reason why Democrats may win a majority, but liberals never will. There's no money in it.