Archive - Apr 2, 2014

The Big Three

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Memo to Dave Elliott, Kevin Bryant, and Dean Chambers: YOU ARE DUMB.

There are, I freely admit, certain themes I return to on a regular basis. Luckily, since you're reading this, that means you share an interest in themes like homophobia, creationism, and delusional wingnuttery. And if so, that means you're in luck, because it's the trifecta of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I'm all for the LGBT community's ongoing fight for equality. I support their fight in every way. But, it seems they've been in the news too much lately. Maybe they should take a short break. Go on gaycation,.. [sic] just for the weekend. Enjoy yourselves!" - Biloxi, Miss. news anchor Dave Elliott, using Facebook for its intended purpose.

See, here's the thing. I sort of expect a news anchor to make note of the frequency by which certain topics appear. See how I cleverly did the exact same thing in my intro? But you can't do that, then call out gay people for being in the news too much, and then say you support them in every way. Because getting in the news a lot is one of those ways, and you clearly don't support it. The correct phrasing would be "I support their right in most ways." Here's an example of what I mean.

I'm all for the LGBT community's ongoing fight for equality. I support their fight in most ways. But I'm pretty sure hiring a guy who made a $1,000 donation toward Proposition 8 four years ago, and who hasn't made any other anti-gay statements I can find or any other anti-gay contributions that I know of, doesn't make Mozilla an "anti-gay" company. I'm happy to change that opinion if more evidence of him being an asshole comes to light, but honestly, if THIS is what makes you finally stop using Firefox, what have you been using the Internet for over the past five years?

“I just had a notion that we ought to consider acknowledging the creator as we acknowledge one of his creations," - South Carolina state senator Kevin Bryant, explaining why he wants to add "as created on the sixth day with the beasts of the field." to the offficial designation of the woolly mammoth fossil as the state fossil.

First, and just to get it out of the way, go fuck yourself sideways with a fossilized woolly mammoth tusk, you inbred young-earth creationist fuckwit.

And second, if you believe what you say you believe, why aren't you vehemently opposing the nomination of a clearly sinful animal as the state's fossil? I mean, woolly mammoths are fossilized. That means they died in the flood. If they died in the flood, that means God was mad at them, and if God was mad at them, they were probably gay or Buddhists or something. You should be stopping your state from honoring the gay Buddhist mammoths in the first place, not giving God credit for fucking up by making them. Dumbfuck.

"The Obamacare enrollments numbers are bogus. They don't even know how many have really paid for what they supposedly signed up for, and the 'back end' for the billing process of the Obamacare web site is not even functioning yet." - Dean Chambers. Remind me to remind you who Dean Chambers is.

Dean Chambers is the guy who predicted that Mitt Romney would win the election because Nate Silver was gay. So, yeah, let's keep listening to him on whether or not numbers are accurate.

The "how many have paid" argument is, in many ways, concrete proof of the existence of telekinesis. Because upon learning that Obamacare signups had hit their target of 7 million signups, despite the website fucking up, the program being clearly a socialist boondoggle, and the presidential indignity of appearing on "Between Two Ferns", the collective conservative hive-mind, using only the power of thought, moved the goalposts into previoiusly uncharted territory.

A territory that is, by the way, predicated entirely on the idea that somehow private insurance companies won't send people a bill for a service they've agreed to buy. They're private insurance companies. They'll send the bill. They can't send it right away, because first they have to send everyone 50 other letters that look like bills but say "THIS IS NOT A BILL" on them, but they'll get around to it. They always do. To try to discredit "socialism" using an imaginary failure of raw capitalism? That's some impressive unskewing there, assholes.