Archive - Apr 2014

April 24th

You Know I'd Come Back For This

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Memo to America's Patriots: HA HA, WHOOPSIE.

If anything could drag me into a seated position this week, it's the single greatest event in modern conservative history. Luckily for me, muscle relaxants are also helping, because I wouldn't miss this for the fucking world.

One of the things that I was going to write about this week before circumstances intervened was the right-wing's embrace of Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher who's decided the only real American freedom is the freedom not to pay about a million bucks in back fees and fines incurred from not paying for the land his cattle graze on. Because the land is owned by the federal government, and FEDERAL GUMMINT BAD.

Dozens of wingnuts got essentially trolled by Harry Reid, who called Bundy a "domestic terrorist", which, given that he's an American threatening violence against America based on a political ideology, is technically accurate and simultaneously wildly inflammatory, which makes it an ideal troll.

Nevada Senator Dean Heller took the bait. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What Sen. Reid may call domestic terrorists, I call patriots. We have a very different view on this.”

Patriots! Good Americans standing up for their rights! Or something they've decided are their rights even though they just want free stuff like a common.... but we'll get to that, won't we? Yes we will. But first, we should also mention Sean Hannity, who's been treating Bundy with the kind of sycophantic, sympathetic kindness Fox is famous for. He even said that by not paying for grazing, Bundy was keeping meat prices low for Americans, which is fucking ridiculous if you've seen beef prices lately.

So, in a shocking twist you could only see coming if you understood conservatism, wingnuttery, the militia movement, weirdo libertarians, and the like, Bundy has some exciting ideas about... oh, I can't do it justice by paraphrasing it. ULTIMATE QUOTE TIME!

"I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro... in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids — and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch — they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do? They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” - Bundy, to the New York Times.

Now, here's the fun part. None of this is outside of mainstream conservative thinking. Black people aborting all their babies, government dependency being the new slavery, all of this has been said, repeatedly, by various factions on the right. They just know better than to preface it with "here's what I know about the Negro". That lowers the pitch from dog hearing to journalist hearing, and thus everyone has to say that Bundy's an awful racist.

Which he is. I mean, he proved it by holding a press conference saying he wasn't racist, and then rambled on for 20 minutes talking about how he was totally right to wonder whether or not slavery was awesome for black people because they had something to do and their women could stay home and tend chickens and babies. You know, the American Dream.

The right held a pity party for Cliven Bundy and are shocked, SHOCKED to learn that it turned out to be a Klan rally. Of course, maybe that's not so bad, since I learned from CNN that the Klan might be able to rebrand itself as not racist anymore. Hope they don't hire Bundy as their communications director. Because that might backfire. And we wouldn't want anything related to Cliven Bundy to backfire horribly. Laughing that much hurts my back.