Archive - Apr 2014

April 16th

Try Upping Your Withholding

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Memo to Donald Rumsfeld: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Maybe I wasn't paying attention to the right places, but it seems like this year's tax day was relatively free of the overblown, "Oh my God, the government takes my money every year so that I can be a part of civilized society, why must this beeeeeeeeee?!" bullshit that usually arises on the annual tax filing deadline.

Maybe people are realizing that taxes are still about as low as they've ever been? No, that can't be it. Realizing things is not what we do. It's probably just a coincidence. Either that or there's a law of conservation of assholery, and Donald Rumsfeld used it all up.

You may remember Donald Rumsfeld as the Bush era war criminal who fit right in with the weird mix of know-nothings and overconfident foreign policy "experts" that made up that nightmare administration of the last decade. Or, more recently, you may remember him as the callous, clueless fuckwit saying horrible things in Errol Morris' "The Known Unknown" and thinking he's making himself look good.

But like his former boss's brush-assisted finger painting, Donald Rumsfeld has a hobby. And that hobby is, essentially, the large scale version of that guy who, in lieu of a tip, left the waitress a note that said "I can't tip you because Obama took my money."

This year, as he apparently does every year, Rumsfeld sent a letter to the IRS. A letter that opens thusly:

"I have sent in our federal income tax and our gift tax returns for 2013. As in prior years, it is important for you to know that I have absolutely no idea whether our tax returns and our tax payments are accurate. I say that despite the fact that I am a college graduate and I try hard to make sure our tax returns are accurate."

From anyone else, this would be a shocking admission of incompetence. But this is Donald Rumsfeld, so it's just a lie intended to make a point. You know, like evidence of WMDs. Because first, later in the letter he admits he hires an accounting team. So he's not the one applying his college degree or making sure they're accurate. And second, if he really tried, he'd have a bit more than "no" idea how accurate they were.

No, Rumsfeld is just indulging in a bit of entitled-dick kvetching. His point? Nobody can know if their taxes are accurate because TAXES IS HARD.

"This note is to alert you folks that I know that I do not know whether or not my tax returns are accurate, which is a sad commentary on governance in our nation's capital."

There is a small element of truth to all this. Decades of favors, exemptions, targeted cuts, and exploitable loopholes have left the tax code a bit of a nightmare if you have the large and complex finances required to explore all your taxpaying options. And this is in fact the fault of both parties, although the relative fault is directly proportional to the extent each party is bought, paid for, and beholden to wealthy and corporate interests who want their loopholes.

But the IRS doesn't really give a shit, and Donald Rumsfeld just wants to get his rocks off the only way he can, by being a passive-aggressive, whiny little bitch.

"I do hope that at some point in my lifetime, and I am now in my 80′s, so there are not many years left, the U.S. government will simplify the U.S. tax code. so that those citizens who sincerely want to pay what they should, are able to do it right, and know that they have done it right.”

Well, then, why are you e-mailing the IRS? They're in charge of enforcing the tax code, not making it, dipshit. Although I do appreciate you referring to citizens who sincerely want to pay what they should in the third person, since trying to count yourself as one of them would stretch credibility so far that the recoil when it snapped would kill hundreds.

I mean, I would love a simplified tax code that meant everyone would pay what they should. But that's not why the people who should be paying want the tax code simplified. They want to take away the loopholes one year, pay the same amount of taxes the next year, and then start adding new loopholes so that they're paying even less than they did under the old loopholes. It's a fucking scam. And I'll take a complicated tax code over these corrupt bastards getting away with "simplifying" it any day of the week.

That said, credit where credit is due, Rummy. I did appreciate the part where you reminded us all you'll be dead soon.