Archive - Apr 2014

April 15th

Women And Children First

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Memo to Herman Cain, Richard Mack, and Mike Huckabee: YOU ARE DUMB.

A lot of good quotes this week, so Donald Rumsfeld's childlike attitude towards tax day is going to have to wait. Because I have a feeling today's Bundy Ranch aperitif as part of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS is going to be just the beginning of the coverage in this space. I really can't believe the Department of Homeland Security was worried about domestic extremism from white people. But first, an old YAD stalwart.

"Hmm...Fakery from the Clintons? RT @BestofCain: VIDEO: That Hillary shoe-throwing thing does look kind of fake, huh?” - Herman Cain's Twitter account, retweeting something from his other account, linking to his "CainTV" site, which is just a website and not a TV show at all.

I am not the world's biggest Clinton fan, but if this is what we're going to get from the wingnuts for the next two and a half years, I might actually enjoy a Hillary presidential run. Apparently it's not enough that any good things that happen, like unemployment dropping or Obamacare enrollment hitting its target is met with the obvious cries of "fake", now bad things are, too.

I guess the argument is that Hillary hired a woman to throw a shoe at her during a public event so that Hillary could dodge the shoe and take it in stride and look good in the face of adversity and I guess kill Vince Foster again? I'm not sure exactly what the prevailing theory is regarding the Clintons' ultimate evil goal. I don't think they are either. Clinton, like fire, bad.

“It was a tactical plot that I was trying to get them to use. If they’re going to start killing people, I’m sorry, but to show the world how ruthless these people are, women needed to be the first ones shot. I’m sorry, that sounds horrible. I would have put my own wife or daughters there, and I would have been screaming bloody murder to watch them die. I would gone next, I would have been the next one to be killed. I’m not afraid to die here. I’m willing to die here.” - Richard Mack, explaining his perfectly reasonable plan to help perfectly reasonable rancher Cliven Bundy with his perfectly reasonable refusal to pay the federal government for the use of the land his cows graze on.

If you don't know about the Bundy Ranch thing, it's basically like a low rent Ruby Ridge, a public-access Waco. Everyone, git yer guns! The oppressive gummint is coming to take the, um, fees you owe them! But they're federal, so they're bad and they shouldn't want the fees you owe them! So let's put our wives and children in the way of their bullets to make them look bad! FREEDOM!

The government has, of course, not slaughtered them, and has in fact returned some or all of the confiscated cattle, because it's an election year, and the last thing we need is a bunch of portly, camo-clad teabagger martyrs firing up the base and selling crocheted "Remember Bundy Ranch" doilies on whatever the right-wing Christian version of Etsy is. On the upside, if Richard Mack's wife wants to get the fuck out of rural Nevada, and really, who wouldn't, I bet she's got grounds for divorce.

"Freedom of speech in this country, that for which the men grabbed their muskets off the mantel, did never mean that we’re to have fewer voices, but more voices. My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get in the surrender position while people put hands all over me.” - Mike Huckabee, leaving the "like a common BROWN PERSON" unsaid.

I'm not going to get into who let what buildings get destroyed on their watch, or who subsequently instituted ridiculously ornate security theater in our airports to make people pay for plane tickets again, or which Mike Huckabees weren't complaining at the time because they totally supported all this bullshit. As a certain President once said, we need to look forward.

And looking forward, in case you were wondering who drew the short straw and gets to be That Guy on the right for 2016, it's clearly going to be Huckabee. Knowing Huckabee, he probably volunteered. Every election cycle needs at least one That Guy, the establishment Republican with enough faux-moderate pundit cred to push the window of acceptable discourse another few feet towards sacrificing your family in the name of land use fees. And Huckabee is That Guy. Good thing he's got a covenant marriage.