Archive - 2014

January 5th

Dynasty Culture Warriors 7

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Memo to the Duck Dynasty family: IT WILL NEVER BE BEHIND YOU.

Welcome to 2014! On the downside, here in Minneapolis, all Brownian motion has completely ceased and Tauntauns are straight up murdering each other just so they can crawl inside for a little while. But I have a warm glow in my heart, because I have one last bit of Duck Dynasty business to take care of.

You see, while I was taking a bit of a holiday break and/or researching the Dumbass Of The Year, A&E lifted the suspension of Phil "Duck Commander" Robertson, allowing the controversy to "end", the forces of "free speech" to "win", and A&E to continue making Duck Dynasty sans interruption.

In fact, since Duck Dynasty was on hiatus anyway, the suspension wasn't even a suspension. It'd be as if I went on vacation for two weeks, and my boss told me I'd be punished by not having to come in for one of those weeks. And I'd still get paid.

Clearly, A&E took a few days to look at their demographics, found that gay people, black people, and of course, THE SHINTOS, made up a sufficiently small portion of the Duck Dynasty viewing audience that they'd rather risk cultural shaming than the mass defection of the Robertson Family to another network that doesn't care what those damn Shintos think.

The decision led to a lot of stupid gloating by the usual stupid people, and this laughable quote from the Robertson family themselves. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're ready to get started. We're ready to move on." - Willie, because of course one of them is a Willie, Robertson appearing, of course, on Fox News.

Yeah, well, welcome to the culture war, duckfuckers. You don't get to move on. You are now a thing. Duck Commander made you a thing. Ideally, you would be a thing that represents weird ideas about black people, the Japanese, and of course, which feels better on a penis, a vagina or an anus. But since this is the Culture War, not the Smarts War or the Things People Actually Think And Believe Evaluated Objectively War, Duck Dynasty is and will from now on be a symbol of whether you like gay people or not.

People on the right will watch Duck Dynasty when they have no interest in ducks, dynasties, or the inability to use a safety razor. They will do it because Duck Dynasty made liberals mad by being Christian. This has already started. Big Hollywood reviewed the Blu-Ray of Duck Dynasty Season 4. Did they review any of the other seasons when they were released? No, of course they didn't. Because Duck Dynasty wasn't part of the Culture War yet.

And, of course, culturally sensitive people can't watch Duck Dynasty as a guilty rubbernecking pleasure, if that's their thing. Don't know why it would be, but whatever. Now you can't do it. Or you can't admit to doing it. Or get caught doing it. Because that's what happens when something becomes part of the Culture War.

Note that this is not an equivalency. Supporting a thing you don't otherwise care about because it pisses off your political opponents is a fundamentally more sociopathic action than refusing to support a product made by people with execrable views. The point is that Duck Dynasty doesn't get to go back in the box. The family doesn't get to "move on". None of us do.

Until that blessed day when we all get sick of watching backwoods millionaires fart around in the swamp or wherever the fuck they live - a day that will be pushed farther into the future by the support of culture warrior wingnuts, by the way - Duck Dynasty will be a pawn in our eternally stupid game of Culture Wars Chutes and Ladders. I know pawns are from chess, but chess is played by smart people.