Archive - Jul 2015

July 30th

33% Actual Hero

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Memo to Joe Deters, Rick Perry, and Harry Tracey: ONE OF YOU IS A GODDAMNED HERO.

Every once in a while, I like to use this space to point out someone who takes a bold, definitive stand against the forces of dumb, even though they ultimately aren't much more successful than I am. If at all. One such man leads off SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, before I move on to the kind of stories that prove why, ultimately, Joe Deters' heroism is futile.

Joe Deters is the Ohio prosecutor who brought murder charges against the Cincinnati campus cop who shot a driver during a traffic stop, lied about it to justify it, and was contradicted by his own body camera footage. Deters, in his press conference, in the plainest language possible, said what needs to be said. Cops can't do this.

If the guy was trying to escape, the cop still couldn't shoot him. If he was "resisting arrest" by holding his door closed and starting his car, the cop still couldn't shoot him. If the driver had a bottle of alochol in his car, THE COP STILL COULDN'T SHOOT HIM. No matter how much people want the cop to have been able to shoot him because he was a black guy who didn't have his license on him, the cop still couldn't shoot him, because despite mounting evidence to the contrary, cops don't get to do whatever they want to anyone who crosses them in any way. It's an important message, even though it'll be ignored by America's racists.

Rick Perry challenged Donald Trump to a pull-up contest.

Do I even need to elaborate on that? The Perry-Trump dynamic may be the single greatest thing to come out of the GOP primary. Becaus Perry's such a fucking intellectual lightweight that Donald Motherfucking Trump is out-playing him. It's a Globetrotters-Senators kind of mismatch. Perry tries to counter Trump by being serious and condemning his outraageous behavior, Trump makes fun of Perry's stupid glasses. Perry tries to out-man Trump by challenging him to a physical feat of strength, Trump makes fun of Perry's stupid glasses. Like Rick Perry's poll numbers, the pattern never changes.

And finally, an open-mouthed stare of not-quite-admiration for 72-year-old Georgia resident Harry Tracey, who single-handedly managed to make all the mouth-breathing, gut-thrusting, camo-wearing, Templar-sporting asshats I talked about in Monday's column look like sane, reasonable citizens reacting to a shooting in a recruitment center.

You see, Tracey, in an attempt to keep recruiters "on their toes", walked into a recruitment office in Conyers, GA last week, asked the recruiters if they felt safe, asked them if they were prepared for an incident like the Chattanooga shooting, and then showed them the pistol he had tucked into his pants. The set of wrong assumptions, weird thought-processes, and ideological bending required to think that was a good idea is... again, I don't want to use words like "impressive", but it's certainly a singularly remarkable in the field of wingnut madness.