Archive - Jul 2, 2015

Let Me Be Petty For You: Day Four (The Public)

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In the wake of Friday's decision by the Supreme Court legalizing same-sex marraige nation-wide, I understand that the LGBT community has to be gracious in victory for the sake of optics and public relations. Sure, it would feel great for them to point and laugh at all the hyperbolic, conservative, self-shitting reactions... But since this SCOTUS decision pretty much represents the last time I'll get to argue all the usual arguments with all the usual people who've LOST LOST LOST LOST, let me be be horrible and petty for you. For like a week.

And now, having covered the justices, the presidential candidates, and the media, we turn to the common people. The hoi polloi. The general public. But first, I need to explain something to them before I make fun of them.

Many of you genuinely feel that this decision was a loss. It wasn't, and you'll probably figure that out eventually, as the decision goes on to not affect your life in any way at all. But right now, tribalism and political media have you convinced that you've lost. And losing hurts. And that's why you're lashing out right now. We understand. I mean, you're still being huge dicks about it, going online to pee all over the national virtual pride parade on your social media of choice, but we understand why and hope you'll get over it, because you're being really annoying.

Anyway, to get the sense of the general populace, I'm diving right into the over 1100 comments posted to the original USA Today article on the ruling, hoping that it will... I mean won't... crash my iPad's browser repeatedly. I do this for you, you know.

Right off the bat, there's an argument saying that fathers will marry their sons to dodge estate taxes, because first, incest laws don't cover same-sex incest, second, estate taxes are so incredibly onerous that this would seem like an awesome idea, and third, mothers and daughters wouldn't do this because women don't handle money, amiright?

A little ways later, someone claiming "it won't end here" claims "It's too much to ask people to mind their own business", which of course means the gays. Minding their own business and not sticking their gay noses into regular normal straight stuff like visiting your spouse in the hospital. I'm afraid that now that marriage has been "redefined", these people will need to get to work on redefining "their business".

We covered the "judicial tyranny" argument from actual, "legitimate" presidential candidates, and the "polygamy" argument from the media, but rest assured these shitball arguments are well-represented.

Pets can't consent. If the day comes that makes it possible for pets to consent, we can revisit the issue of pet marriage then. Until then, shut the fuck up, you secret dogfuckers.

Yes, Californians narrowly voted to ban same-sex marriage seven years ago. No, that doesn't mean "the will of the people" in 2015 has been overturned. If you want to live in 2007, we'll let you. I'm sure there are some original iPhones you can use. They're slow and out of date and have tiny processors, so I'm sure you'll feel a sense of simpatico with them.

And now, a brief tangent. Many of you have expressed the opinion that you're glad gay marriage is legal so that now all the gay people around you can shut up about being gay and stop bothering you with their so-called "important issue". I hope your wish is facetious, because it's not going to happen. Because all the normal, everyday stuff you encounter in your day-to-day life about straight relationships and marriages will be things you encounter about gay relationships. Male co-workers will say "my husband" in your presence and bring their spouse to things people bring spouses to, and you'll have to just stand there and take it and silently fume about things being shoved down your throat. Sucks to be you.

Back to the garden-variety bullshit. Yes, the government is telling your daughter it's OK to be gay. No, that is not something you would ever tell your daughter. The government may be clumsy. It may be inefficient. It may be in part or in whole taken over by crazy people every couple of years. But at least it's a better parent than you are.

Apparently, gay marriage licenses will allow God to know who all the gays and lesbians are so that he can finally go all Sodom and Gomorrah on them. Or all of us. Or something. I prefer to think of that particular comment as bad theology rather than a veiled pogrom threat, but either way, there is something very wrong with you. So I think I'll end today's installment by mentioning your name, or the name you gave USA Today, at least, in the hopes that narcissistic Googling will bring you here, Marlee Vandreumel of Ashworth College, which isn't even a real college but one of those scam for-profit on-line colleges so I don't know why you're advertising that you go there or are associated with them, except for the part where you're a fucking idiot which, now that I mention it, explains everything. Have a nice day!