Archive - Jul 24, 2015

The Trumpocalypse Continues

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Memo to Rick Perry, Lindsey Graham, and Marco Rubio: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT..

We all need to reckon with Donald Trump's presidential candidacy in our own way. And nobody finds this task more difficult than Rpublican presidential candidates. There are endless possibilities, from a careful courting of his voter bloc to outright condemnation. And the best part? Every single approach is wrong! SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Rick Perry has been trying to position himself as Rick Perry's strongest critic, with limited success, on account of nobody really wanting to listen to Rick Perry. He called Trump a "cancer on conservatism" that must be "diagnosed, excised, and discarded". Ben Carson could not be reached for comment.

And while Perry is technically correct, let's not give him too much credit. Four years ago, he ran on "quiet but stupid", which worked so great for Dubya, and it blew up in his face. He corrected by getting a pair of fake glasses and an intern who could tell him what "excised" means, only to be repeatedly lapped by Trump, who's running on "loud AND stupid". Ultimately, any noises Rick Perry is making right now are the result of him kicking himself for buying fake glasses instead of fake hair.

Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham responded to Donald Trump giving out his phone number by releasing an elaborately produced video where he destroys "his phone", which appears to be a flip phone from 2008.

Now, I don't expect Lindsey Graham to understand the phrase "being trolled", but instead of immediately changing his phone number and telling everyone that number wasn't current, neutering Trump's jab, he threw a fit that I'm sure his advisers told him was totally clever and sure to go viral. And then they told him that "viral" was a good thing and it would help him be President. And then they told him he could gt a new flip phone on eBay. And then they told him what eBay was. And then they sent an aide to the Wal-Mart clearance mall after Graham spent an entire week's worth of donations on vintage porcelain dolls.

Down in Florida, Marco Rubio attempted to be heard above the background noise by giving an interviewe in which he said that Donald Trump didn't have enough class to be president, just like Barack Obama.

Obama's lack of class, he said, was demonstrated by things like going on The Daily Show, using a selfie stick, and doing interviews with YouTube stars about his State of the Union address. Rubio rightly feels that the only time YouTube and the State of the Union should cross paths is when your awkward, uncomfortable, dry-mouth mid-sentence water grab in your rebuttal goes embarrassingly viral and also marks the high point in your career for number of people paying attention to you.