Archive - Jul 8, 2015

Inescapable Pull

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Memo to Jim Carrey, Mike Huckabee, and Lee Bright: TOUGH SHIT:

Sorry. It's very, very difficult to escape the gravitational pull of the stupidity surrounding the gay marriage and Confederate flag issues. You'd think IDIOTS would SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS about some other stuff, but apart from a little anti-vax bullshit and Donald Trump, there's not a log else going on out there.

"Go to watch the documentary and judge for yourselves. If you really care about the kids you will. It's shocking!” - Jim Carrey, going on an anti-vaccine crusade on Twitter he insisted wasn't anti-vaccine.

Carrey was upset at California's new mandatory vaccination law, which is his right as a crazy person. And he is free to believe that vaccinations are FULL OF TOXIC MERCURY THAT WILL TURN YOUR KIDS INTO ZOMBIES or whatever, because that is his right as a crazy person. And he is free to move out of California or home-school his kids, because those are both his rights as a crazy person.

But if any crazy person wants to convince sane people that their crazy thoughts aren't crazy, here's some helpful advice. Don't send me to some Internet "documentary" that supposedly "exposes the truth". In fact, I'll go one step further. If you've created a documentary that actually exposes the truth, don't put it on the Internet. Because that'll just murder your credibility in the eyes of the people you're trying to convince. Only conspiracy theorists and fanatics believe things they see in Internet documentaries. You may think it'll help to have a big star like Jim Carrey on your side, but that ain't how it works.

"I will aggressively prosecute attacks against people of faith as hate crimes.” " - Mike Huckabee, and no he won't, because he's not going to be President.

Last week, I wondered if anyone would ask Mike Huckabee how, exactly, he intended to resist the "imperial" Supreme Court tyranny in legalizing gay marriage nationwide. Turns out nobody had to ask, he wrote a big long article for Fox News (natch) that explained his whole plan in unnecessary detail.

Basically, his plan is that if you want to hate on gay people and not touch them or like them or talk to them or provide them with services or serve with them in the military or do anything that might in the most remotely possible way be construed as "approving" of a gay person and/or their marriage, his government will protect you and will prosecute anyone who tries to make you act like a decent fucking human being in a fair and just society as a hate criminal. So, you know. Good thing he's unelectable.

"Like President Reagan said, if we’re not one nation under God, we’ll be one nation gone under. And to sanctify deviant behavior from five judges… It’s time to make our stand and we’re not doing it. We can rally together and talk about a flag all we want, but the devil is taking control of this land and we’re not stopping him.” - South Carolina state senator and wildly inaccurately-named dude Lee Bright.

I'm not going to get into quoting Reagan to support the Confederate Flag, or the absurdity of him bringing up gay marriage in his comments. I'm just using his crazy-ass speech to make it even funnier when I tell you how badly he lost.

The South Carolina House voted 36-3 to remove the Confederate Flag from the state capitol. The House has consistently voted in favor of procedural motions advancing the bill by wide margins, and the flag will, in all likelihood, be in a shitty museum before the week is out. Which means Lee Bright will be losing two high-profile culture war battles he cares a great deal about in a matter of weeks. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face all day long, I don't know who you are anymore.