Archive - Jul 2015

July 26th

Goober Piles

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Memo to Militia Yahoos: YOU ARE ADORABLE.

Twice in the past two weeks, a mentally unstable individual with ready access to firearms, associated with a violent ideology big on power fantasies and rife with supposed martyrdom, shot up public spaces and killed multiple people. One was a Muslim and shot up a Marine recruiting center in a Tennessee strip mall, the other a Teabagger Patriot who shot up a movie theater in Louisiana.

The two incidents are very similar, especially in how they point to the incredibly fatal intersection between easy access to guns and poor mental health care in America. But they're also different in one significant way. Only one of these prompted a bunch of open-carry, camo-wearing, government-hating militia yahoos to defend the citizenry against the negligence of the federal gummint. I will let you guess which one.

Still not sure? Well, since one of them didn't have a license to carry a gun, he dressed up as a Knight Templar, who of course fought against Muslims during the Crusades.

Now, the world doesn't need me to say that grabbing your lawn chair and your AR-15 and heading down to the parking lot of your local strip mall in case ISIS decides to strike is a bad idea. It's a mostly harmless bad idea. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I know the worst that HAS happened so far is that some shitheel in Lancaster, Ohio was trying to "clear" his loaded gun before handing it off to someone who wanted to see it and fired a bullet into the pavement.

But really, that was for the best, because it led to police escorting all the citizen guards away from that particular strip mall. One down, dozens to go, although I give them another week, tops, before they get bored by the lack of imminent terrorist activity and realize they're getting a backlog of "Finding Bigfoot" episodes on their DVRs.

But bad idea or not, I'd like to ask these camotards to please consider the optics of, well, their entire lives. I've seen a bunch of stories on this, and they all have pictures taken by local photographers, and every single one of them looks EXACTLY the way you'd think they would. So if you're going to be a citizen defender, guarding recruitment centers because Obama decided to keep recruiters from carrying guns when he was in charge of Department of Defense policy during the George H.W. Bush administration, let me give you some tips to keep from reinforcing your stereotype.

MOUTH CLOSED DURING ALL PHOTOS: Nothing makes you look like a goddamn mouthbreather than a picture that shows you breathing through your grits-hole. Also, it's a valid technique for chin-quantity management, which never hurts.

POSTURE, POSTURE, POSTURE: Look, I've got a gut too. And I don't mean to body-shame you. But if you're sitting in a deck chair, the farther forward your ass is, in relation to the Y-Axis position of your head, the more prominent your distended Bud-belly becomes.

HATS: Caps are acceptable brim-forward only, single-color, no slogans, no camo. You're in a parking lot. Don't wear green camo in a parking lot. Under no circumstances should you wear a floppy white fishing hat too small for your head. I'm serious. You're trying to convince people you're going to protect them from terrorists, not projectile shart on them.

TATS: Your tattoos are awful. It's OK. If you hadn't made bad life choices, you wouldn't be guarding a strip mall in your apparent endless supply of free time. But find a way to cover them, because while your tattoo may claim that those colors don't run, evidence seems to suggest that they do eventually fade and get covered with hair.

Now, obviously, the best course of action would be to listen to what the military branches actually say and haul your white-trash gun-toting xenophobic dumbasses out of the strip mall and back to the trailer park, because you're not fucking helping. But it's a lot easier to turn your hat around than it is to gain basic self-awareness, so do what you can.