Archive - 2015

December 17th

Form Megadouche!

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Memo to The Awful Ones, The Worst, and Sean Hannity: YOU ARE DUMB.

We're well into the holiday posting season now, which means more irregular posting for 2-3 weeks thanks to disrupted schedules, sleep and otherwise. Which is why SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is even more important, so that major events in the world of horribleness and stupidity don't escape notice.

Ah, the Republican debate. Largely centered on foreign policy, or should I say, "foreign policy", which is the Republican term for a dick-swinging contest to see who can make the biggest, dumbest, brags against foreign countries, enemies OR allies. John Kasich said it was time we punched the Russians in the nose, which tells you everything you need to know about Republican foreign policy, because everyone on the stage was to his right.

I mean, Chris Christie thinks we're already in the middle of World War 3, which is only true for values of "World" and "War" so small we'd have to retroactively re-number a bunch of stuff and it would invalidate the "3". These people are fucking nut balls.

On the upside, Donald Trump had one of his stopped-clock moments, responding with current poll numbers to Jeb Bush's ridiculous claim that "you can't insult your way to the presidency". Which is the most disingenuous, mendacious thing Jeb Bush may have ever said. Or stupid. It's ignorant of history, it's ignorant of American politics in general, and it's certainly wishful thinking at best. And Trump's response is the kind of thing I'd want more of in politics if it didn't come bundled with fascism, ignorance, and bugfuckery. Oh well.


In slightly more uplifting news, let's all celebrate the indictment of Martin Shkreli on charges of being the world's douchiest rich douche. The actual indictment is more complicated, of course, but it's just full of all the bullshit rich douches pull to remain rich and douchey, Mostly involving financial shenanigans.

You may know ShkrelI as the head of Turing Pharmaceuticals, which bought a cheap AIDS drug, jacked the price up by a factor of over 50. You may also know him as the guy that paid millions for that one-copy-only Wu Tang Clan album, because of course he did. At one point he was a hedge fund manager, and it tells you all you need to know about America's health care system that this guy left hedge funds to make more money by screwing more people over in pharmaceuticals.

The bad news is, he's super-rich and super-white, which means that the first good thing to ever come from civil forfeiture laws won't be happening and he gets to keep his Wu-Tang album at least for now. If we're lucky, the


And Finally, Sean Hannity wants to create a conservative version of the dating app Tindr. Someone needs to tell Hannity there is one. It's called Grindr.

All closet case jokes aside, this actually is a surprisingly shrewd move, especially for a neuron-free-zone like Sean Hannity. History has proven that there's a lot of money in shittier, conservative versions of the good things the rest of us enjoy. Christian Rock is just shittier rock. Heaven Is For Real is just a shittier zombie movie. And Sean Hannity is just a shittier Ted Koppel.