Archive - 2016

December 27th

Establishment Claus

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Memo to Carl Paladino, Bill O'Reilly, and Donald Trump: YOU ARE DUMB.

In today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, enjoy these dispatches from the White Establishment. We are fully esconced in the post-post-racial era. We've made so much progress eradicating racism that it's fine to just keep some around to remind us of the good old days. It's like a big can of Racism Classic.

"I was wired up, primed to be human and make a mistake. I could not have made a worse choice in the words I used to express my feelings... I certainly am not a racist." - Trump New york campaign co-chair and racist Carl Paladino, who is a racist.

We know Carl Paladino of old. His 2010 run for New York governor was almost as notable for the crazy shit he said as it was for his complete and utter inability to become governor. So of course he worked on behalf of Trump, and of course, when an online site sent him a survey about his hopes and dreams for 2017, he said he hoped Barack Obama would get mad cow disease from fucking a cow and die and that Michelle Obama would go back to being a man and return to Zimbabwe to live with a gorilla.

So, you know. Serious racist. Fuck that guy. But also, and I can't believe I'm explaining this, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GET MAD COW DISEASE. You get mad cow disease by eating the nervous tissue of diseased cows. Which tends to happen when certain types of politicians remove "job killing regulations" about feeding other cows diseased cow brains and then grinding up those cows and including some brains with the ground-up cow. You know. For the record.

"The left wants power taken away from the white establishment. They want a profound change in the way America is run. Taking power away from the white precincts is the quickest way to do that." - Bill O'Reilly, explaining the Electoral College entirely in terms of Freudian slips.

I see it's once again time for the periodic reminder I am obligated to provide that Bill O'Reilly went to a Harlem restaurant with Al Sharpton and was shocked that the black patrons of a black-owned restaurant were acting like civilized normal human beings and not the racist savage caricature he was expecting. I look forward to celebrating the tenth anniversary of this glorious event in September, assuming civilization survives and Bill O'Reilly doesn't stop being racist.

The latter is, of course, even more likely than the former, because he hasn't learned shit in the past decade. He hasn't even learned not to say "white establishment" like that's a totally natural, normal, healthy thing to be proud of and interested in defending. I mean, we all know he THINKS it, but then he said it and got it on tape and even put it in text on-screen, which requires some fucking preparation, and nobody at Fox thought that was a bad idea because TRUMP IS PREZ AND POITICAL CORRECTNESS IS DEAD, HOORAY!

"The Foundation has done enormous good works over the years in contributing millions of dollars to countless worthy groups, including supporting veterans, law enforcement officers and children. However, to avoid even the appearance of any conflict with my role as President I have decided to continue to pursue my strong interest in philanthropy in other ways.’’ - Donald Trump, leading the charge for America's death spiral.

The "best" part of this, of course, is that it's 100% wrong from start to finish. First and foremost, of course, was that the Trump Foundation had little to nothing to do with Trump's conflicts of interest. Just like the Clinton Foundation wasn't a real source of conflicts of interest. Not in the way foreign governments granting the United States president building permits for hotels is a conflict of interest. Or foreign diplomats staying at his hotel is. Trump is closing the Foundation for two reasons.

First, of course, is the classic "those mean liberals are forcing me to hurt children" ploy. But more importantly, he wants to close the Trump Foundation for the same reason he, in another way the quote is super wrong, probably can't close the Trump Foundation. Because it's under investigation, because he (allegedly) used the charity to launder money, buy paintings, pay his legal fees, and bribe at least one state investigating Trump University. You know, that little thing. As the new Secretary of Energy might say, OOPS.